Vote GOD. Oh, I mean GOP.

Remember citizens, tomorrow is your chance to honor Jesus with your vote. It's more important than ever to vote because the only way we can defeat the religious terrorists is to remove the evil secular element from American society. For your information, I've assembled Jesus' position on a variety of political platforms, all taken directly from the Bible.



- Man should take full advantage of nature. This includes drilling for oil in Alaska. God the Father put the oil there for a reason. Ours is not to question why.

- Jesus loves the poor, so it's okay to cut welfare and Head Start school programs. Jesus will make it up to them in the afterlife. Besides, poor people are lazy.

- Jesus chased the moneychangers out of the temples. This is why religious organizations should remain tax-exempt.

- Even though he advocated turning the other cheek, Jesus only meant this in your interpersonal relations. He fully endorses the Bush doctrine of preemptive war. Witness Jesus' support of the Roman invasion of Carpathia in Corinthians 1.

- Jesus belives that life begins at conception. Considering that he was immaculately conceived without sex, he's an authority on this matter.

- Jesus does not support government healthcare. He feels that private enterprise and free trade can solve this problem.

As you may know, friends, George W. Bush and the Republicans are aligned with Jesus on all of these issues, so if you truly love Jesus, it's almost a sin to vote Democratic. Even if you lose your job and then can't afford private sector healthcare, Jesus will be there for you. If you get sick and die, he will be the first to welcome you into Heaven. And even better, if your teenage daughter is forced to take a part-time job at Little Caesars to aid in the family's finances and she becomes pregnant by a coworker, President Bush will assure that she can never get an abortion. Remember that Jesus will provide for your miracle baby.

Wait around! STAT!

We took a fun little unplanned trip to the emergency room Sunday around 2:30am. The wife is having some side effects from her migraine medicine. While I was sitting around for hours, between arriving and leaving at 8:00am, I made the following observations:

• Cedars Sinai sure has a lot of benefactors. While sitting in the Ruth and Harry Roman Emergency Department, I saw signs for the Marcia Israel Trauma Center, the S. Mark Taper Foundation Pediatric Care Center and Anita and Robert Silverstein Reception Center. This is like the NASCAR of hospitals. Naturally, when roaming the halls later, I noticed that every single room is sponsored as well. The Judy and Ron Hammerstein Room 12 Room. Shouldn't the state of California be paying for all of this?
• When you're sitting in the emergency room at 3am the night before Halloween, every time the front doors open, you're thinking, "Oh no. I don't want to see what this is."
• Two guys and a girl just walked in. The girl has a dog bite on her lip. I don't think this was part of her costume. One of the guys is wearing an orange LA County Jail jumpsuit. This may cause some confusion later.
• The magazine selection here is stellar, assuming you were marooned on a desert island for a year before visiting. "Oh good! The March issues of ESPN: The Magazine. Now I can see how the NCAA tourney turned out."
• The old guy in the corner is either in the mob or the record industry. Possibly both. He's now regaling a 20-something guy with his stories about Frank and Dean. The younger guy wants to know if Peter Lawford was a dumbass or what. Eventually, another old guy comes out with a bandaged hand. The mob exec suggests "They get the fuck out of here and go get something to eat."
• The dog bite trio is shaping up to be fun. The guy in the jumpsuit is completely wasted and making an ass of himself. The sober friend, meanwhile, is starting to offer a suspicious amount of comfort to the drunk guy's canine-wounded girlfriend. This relationship is going to get really interesting in about three weeks.
• The dog bite girl just asked her boyfriend for some ice. When he got up to get it, he got distracted by the security guards and started chatting them up. Eventually, the girl got her own ice. The sober friend is looking better all the time.
• Drunk guy isn't too drunk to notice his friend giving a suspicious amount of comfort to his girl. He loudly asks his friend why he's got to fuck up his first good relationship.
• I had to get validated so parking would only cost $3.50. I'd really like to see the Jane and Thomas Henderson Foundation Parking Fund.

Vote GOD. Oh, I mean GOP.

Remember citizens, tomorrow is your chance to honor Jesus with your vote. It's more important than ever to vote because the only way we can defeat the religious terrorists is to remove the evil secular element from American society. For your information, I've assembled Jesus' position on a variety of political platforms, all taken directly from the Bible.

• Man should take full advantage of nature. This includes drilling for oil in Alaska. God the Father put the oil there for a reason. Ours is not to question why.
• Jesus loves the poor, so it's okay to cut welfare and Head Start school programs. Jesus will make it up to them in the afterlife. Besides, poor people are lazy.
• Jesus chased the moneychangers out of the temples. This is why religious organizations should remain tax-exempt.
• Even though he advocated turning the other cheek, Jesus only meant this in your interpersonal relations. He fully endorses the Bush doctrine of preemptive war. Witness Jesus' support of the Roman invasion of Carpathia in Corinthians 1.
• Jesus belives that life begins at conception. Considering that he was immaculately conceived without sex, he's an authority on this matter.
• Jesus does not support government healthcare. He feels that private enterprise and free trade can solve this problem.

As you may know, friends, George W. Bush and the Republicans are aligned with Jesus on all of these issues, so if you truly love Jesus, it's almost a sin to vote Democratic. Even if you lose your job and then can't afford private sector healthcare, Jesus will be there for you. If you get sick and die, he will be the first to welcome you into Heaven. And even better, if your teenage daughter is forced to take a part-time job at Little Caesars to aid in the family's finances and she becomes pregnant by a coworker, President Bush will assure that she can never get an abortion. Remember that Jesus will provide for your miracle baby.