Out shopping for the wife, I had a few enjoyable moments. The first came in a packed Tiffany's, where people were so desperate to buy jewelery and baubles that they were lining a glass counter like it was a bar in a crowded nightclub. I was waiting for somebody to start holding out a $100 bill like they were trying to flag down a bartender. Of course, that was nowhere near as good as the guy whose girlfriend pointed out something shiny that caught her eye. The guy asked a salesgal where the nearest Bank of America was, then he asked his girlfriend/wife/mistress if she wanted the jewelry or just the cash instead. (She wanted the jewelry.)
But they couldn't compete with my favorite couple, a guy who looked like he was in a wild band in the '80s and suffered both a drug-induced stroke and crippled ankle on a particularly awesome tour. Plus he had an overbite like Kermit and stringy hair that looked like you could pull off easier than a Post-It note. Naturally, he was with a hot, 20-something Asian chick who seemed to be picking out everything for her stocking.
Having made a sensible, classy purchase, I moved onto Pottery Barn looking for...well, I don't know what actually. As soon as I walked in, I passed a sales associate something a customer something nice for her husband. Then the woman asked, "Do you have anything a little more manly man than that?" I first waited for the associate to show her either a silver tin that is perfect for holding your Red Man chewing tobacco, or a pewter magazine rack that showcases old Playboys. Instead, the associate directed her to a leather journal.
Wednesday, December 22, 2004
Awesome
During the presidential campaign, President/God's soldier George W. repeatedly said he was against legalizing importing cheaper prescription drugs from Canada. He said we could never be sure that the drugs actually came from Canada and not some Third World country trying to make a buck. And George W. Bush will never risk the health of Americans! Unless they're in the military or living near a coal mine or factory. But he definitely won't risk our health on potentially fake drugs!
Except now we've learned that the common prescription drugs Vioxx, Celebrex and Aleve all greatly increase users risk of heart problems or attacks. And these drugs, of course, we're rushed through the FDA approval process and given an NIH endorsement thanks to political lobbying, donations and drug companies basically paying off NIH executives to tout their drugs.
Meanwhile, way up in Canada, they're not having any of these problems. I guess because their country isn't controlled by business-loving Republicans.
Except now we've learned that the common prescription drugs Vioxx, Celebrex and Aleve all greatly increase users risk of heart problems or attacks. And these drugs, of course, we're rushed through the FDA approval process and given an NIH endorsement thanks to political lobbying, donations and drug companies basically paying off NIH executives to tout their drugs.
Meanwhile, way up in Canada, they're not having any of these problems. I guess because their country isn't controlled by business-loving Republicans.
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
Aww man
I had a supreme douche moment on Saturday driving back from Christmas shopping. Heading down Melrose, home of the hot shopping chick, I was stopped and casually observing a semi-hot shopping chick walking down the sidewalk on my street of the street.
Suddenly, somebody in a car on other side of the street looks at this chick and goes "Whooooo!" So she looks in the direction of the noise and sees me staring right at her. And she shook her head in shame, like she's never been more disappointed in her life. After a few seconds, I realized that she thought I was the aggressive Italian.
Damn.
Suddenly, somebody in a car on other side of the street looks at this chick and goes "Whooooo!" So she looks in the direction of the noise and sees me staring right at her. And she shook her head in shame, like she's never been more disappointed in her life. After a few seconds, I realized that she thought I was the aggressive Italian.
Damn.
Thursday, December 16, 2004
Unintelligent people for intelligent design (UPID)
It seems that sensible, logical folks want to have creationism - sorry, "Intelligent Design" - taught in schools in Kansas, Pennsylvania and assumedly everywhere else in the universe. You know, because evolution is only a "theory". Surprisingly, these science lovers are sorta confused about what a theory is in scientific parlance. It's just a hypothesis that's regarded to be true, yet hasn't been solidly proven into a law. Gravity is a law. Evolution is a theory. Believe who interpret the Bible literally are morons is a hypothesis. I haven't run the actual tests on that one yet.
Anyway, after adopting my new "I don't care" attitude after Bush's re-election, I honestly don't give a fuck if kids in Kansas and Pennsylvania don't learn until college that evolution is pretty likely. Shit, I don't care if they ever learn it and always believe the Earth is 6,000 years old like the Bible says. It'll be worth it to see the confusion on their faces when a Grand Canyon park ranger explains that the rock layers at the top of the canyon are millions of years old.
But I just want one of these creationists to explain a few holes in their logic to me.
- So, this God of yours has always existed and one day was bored and decided to create the entire universe out of sheer will?
- You're telling me an omnipotent being could create the entire Milky Way in only six days, but that was so exhausting, he needed Sunday off? Superman doesn't get tired, but God does? I guess it can be tiring to throw your hands in the air, say "Whooosh!" and create the oceans.
- Speaking of which, we base our days on one full revolution of the Earth. So...I guess God did the same? "Hmm. I want to create land, but I think I'll wait until that one part spins around to me again."
- God, being bored once again - why not create a great novel, O Lord? - decides to create man. God, in all of his wise omniscience, doesn't realize that Adam will get bored by himself, with only God to talk to. I guess God doesn't have much foresight. God would be a terrible party planner. "Dang. I thought 6 salmon puffs would be enough. Too bad my son isn't here. He could make some more."
- God, in all of his wise omniscience, thinks Adam will be entertained enough by the animals. Creatures that he can't fuck or talk to. Once again, I guess God doesn't have much foresight. He fucking CREATED Adam - loading up his gentials with nerve endings, mind you - and yet he doesn't know what he wants? Hell, my mom can predict my thoughts better than that, and I moved out 6 years ago.
- Finally, God realizes he needs to create a human companion to Adam. Not because he's omniscient, but because ADAM ASKED FOR IT! "Oh, yeah. Hmm. That's a good idea. I should have thought of that myself!" I guess creating male and female birds wasn't enough to tip him off to the idea of a female human. So God, who CREATED THE ENTIRE FUCKING UNIVERSE OUT OF PURE FUCKING WILL, needs to borrow a rib from Adam to create Eve. "Hmm. Seems that I'm out of human clay. I guess I could create more simply by thinking about it, but I think I'll rip Adam's rib out of his flesh. You know, so they have something to talk about."
- Of course, none of this explains why God would create Saturn to be completely gaseous and uninhabitable or make Pluto a frozen rock deep in sapce. Maybe those were just practice. Or maybe it's that lack of foresight again. Shit, I bet if God only created the Earth and focused on that, we'd have a four day week with Thursdays off. Or maybe, you know, THE BIBLE CAN'T BE FUCKING INTERPRETED LITERALLY!
What's most beautiful is that a group that promotes teaching Intelligent Design in school hasn't lost a step over that 18,000 year Indonesian midget archeologists found recently. Sure, the little guy is 12,000 years older than the Bible claims the Earth, but let's not worry about that, the little guy was a hunter! Which shows that evolution isn't likely. Because...uh...later humans hunted too. And also because we have midgets in today's world too. Sounds good to me! Dickheads.
Anyway, after adopting my new "I don't care" attitude after Bush's re-election, I honestly don't give a fuck if kids in Kansas and Pennsylvania don't learn until college that evolution is pretty likely. Shit, I don't care if they ever learn it and always believe the Earth is 6,000 years old like the Bible says. It'll be worth it to see the confusion on their faces when a Grand Canyon park ranger explains that the rock layers at the top of the canyon are millions of years old.
But I just want one of these creationists to explain a few holes in their logic to me.
- So, this God of yours has always existed and one day was bored and decided to create the entire universe out of sheer will?
- You're telling me an omnipotent being could create the entire Milky Way in only six days, but that was so exhausting, he needed Sunday off? Superman doesn't get tired, but God does? I guess it can be tiring to throw your hands in the air, say "Whooosh!" and create the oceans.
- Speaking of which, we base our days on one full revolution of the Earth. So...I guess God did the same? "Hmm. I want to create land, but I think I'll wait until that one part spins around to me again."
- God, being bored once again - why not create a great novel, O Lord? - decides to create man. God, in all of his wise omniscience, doesn't realize that Adam will get bored by himself, with only God to talk to. I guess God doesn't have much foresight. God would be a terrible party planner. "Dang. I thought 6 salmon puffs would be enough. Too bad my son isn't here. He could make some more."
- God, in all of his wise omniscience, thinks Adam will be entertained enough by the animals. Creatures that he can't fuck or talk to. Once again, I guess God doesn't have much foresight. He fucking CREATED Adam - loading up his gentials with nerve endings, mind you - and yet he doesn't know what he wants? Hell, my mom can predict my thoughts better than that, and I moved out 6 years ago.
- Finally, God realizes he needs to create a human companion to Adam. Not because he's omniscient, but because ADAM ASKED FOR IT! "Oh, yeah. Hmm. That's a good idea. I should have thought of that myself!" I guess creating male and female birds wasn't enough to tip him off to the idea of a female human. So God, who CREATED THE ENTIRE FUCKING UNIVERSE OUT OF PURE FUCKING WILL, needs to borrow a rib from Adam to create Eve. "Hmm. Seems that I'm out of human clay. I guess I could create more simply by thinking about it, but I think I'll rip Adam's rib out of his flesh. You know, so they have something to talk about."
- Of course, none of this explains why God would create Saturn to be completely gaseous and uninhabitable or make Pluto a frozen rock deep in sapce. Maybe those were just practice. Or maybe it's that lack of foresight again. Shit, I bet if God only created the Earth and focused on that, we'd have a four day week with Thursdays off. Or maybe, you know, THE BIBLE CAN'T BE FUCKING INTERPRETED LITERALLY!
What's most beautiful is that a group that promotes teaching Intelligent Design in school hasn't lost a step over that 18,000 year Indonesian midget archeologists found recently. Sure, the little guy is 12,000 years older than the Bible claims the Earth, but let's not worry about that, the little guy was a hunter! Which shows that evolution isn't likely. Because...uh...later humans hunted too. And also because we have midgets in today's world too. Sounds good to me! Dickheads.
You think you have balls?
You don't have balls! Bernard Kerik has balls! And compared to Bernard Kerik, you're prepubescent. In the flurry of Bernard Kerik - whose main qualification apparently was that he was from New York - being rejected as Homeland Security Chief, some interesting details have come to life. Details proving that this guy has massive balls and you have have two jujubees!
So when you have a sack like Bernard Kerik, you don't just have an extramarital affair, you have an extramarital affair with one of the stars of New York's literary set. And not just any star of the New York literary set, you have an affair with Judith Regan, who makes her living...publishing celebrity tell all books!
And you don't just bang Judith Regan in some normal Manhattan apartment while your wife makes dinner back in Jersey, you bang Judith Regan in an apartment that you bought right after 9/11 because of its proximity to Ground Zero. But not one within walking distance, one where the bedroom window...OVERLOOKS THE SMOLDERING PIT THAT USED TO BE THE WORLD TRADE CENTER!
That, my good friend, is huge fucking balls.
I would give ANY amount of money to have witnessed Bernard turning off his cell phone so his wife didn't call, fucking Judith Regan, then getting up and - still nude with a half chub - rubbing his sweaty bald head, looking out on the smoky remains and say, "Goddamn fucking Muslims. No fucking decency, that's what's wrong with those people."
So when you have a sack like Bernard Kerik, you don't just have an extramarital affair, you have an extramarital affair with one of the stars of New York's literary set. And not just any star of the New York literary set, you have an affair with Judith Regan, who makes her living...publishing celebrity tell all books!
And you don't just bang Judith Regan in some normal Manhattan apartment while your wife makes dinner back in Jersey, you bang Judith Regan in an apartment that you bought right after 9/11 because of its proximity to Ground Zero. But not one within walking distance, one where the bedroom window...OVERLOOKS THE SMOLDERING PIT THAT USED TO BE THE WORLD TRADE CENTER!
That, my good friend, is huge fucking balls.
I would give ANY amount of money to have witnessed Bernard turning off his cell phone so his wife didn't call, fucking Judith Regan, then getting up and - still nude with a half chub - rubbing his sweaty bald head, looking out on the smoky remains and say, "Goddamn fucking Muslims. No fucking decency, that's what's wrong with those people."
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
Celebrity spokesmen
Using celebrities in product advertisements in a time-honored tradition. Ordinary, ugly folks want to be like famous, beautiful folks and if that means buying the same brand of soda, so be it.
But with the explosion of commercial air time, products we can waste our disposable income on and the ever-loosening definition of "celebrity", we're starting to see confusing things. Mainly, the sorta celebrity endorsement.
Take the Right Guard cool spray commercial featuring Xhibit and some cracker jumping out of an airplane. The first time I saw this spot I thought, "Hey, Busta Rhymes got an haircut." And the second time I saw it I thought, "Wait, who the fuck is this guy?" Nowadays when theyrun this ad, a helpful little graphic points to Xhibit and shows his name, Xhibit. But that raises a bit of a question. Obviously Right Guard started worrying that not enough people knew Xhibit, so they needed to identify him. But if that's the case, why hire him at all? And now that you've identified him, what does that do? Do you think people out there will think, "This fella is named Xhibit. I don't know who he is or what he does, but if he likes Right Guard, so do I!" And, of course, the 15 people in America that could actually be persuaded by Xhibit to buy aerosol deodorant don't need his name tag. So really, what does this accomplish? Tell me, O mighty gods of Rigth Guard marketing!
But despite the fact that he needs a nametag, Xhibit might still be bigger than Frank from the Ball Park franks commercials. Here's what we know about the character of Frank: he's fat, he voted for Bush twice, he likes meat, his wife is mostly unsastified in bed. But here's the really interesting thing about Frank: he's played by the co-star of According to Jim. Now, usually when you have a character in a series of ads, it's played by some no name actor. But Larry Joe Campbell has maintained such anonymice by starring on an abysmal show, he can still pull off unknown actor for these commercials. And if that's not a sorta celebrity endorsement, I don't know what is.
Then again, both of these ads are better than the Kay Jewlers spot where the most Jewish-looking guy on the face of the Earth asks his girlfriend is she believe in Santa Claus, then pulls out a ringbox while smirking, "He told me to give you this." I don't know if Kay was going for meta-irony with this commercial or if they think this guy can pull off "Italian," but watching a WWII politcal cartoon character give a blond chick a Christmas gift always brightens my holidays.
But with the explosion of commercial air time, products we can waste our disposable income on and the ever-loosening definition of "celebrity", we're starting to see confusing things. Mainly, the sorta celebrity endorsement.
Take the Right Guard cool spray commercial featuring Xhibit and some cracker jumping out of an airplane. The first time I saw this spot I thought, "Hey, Busta Rhymes got an haircut." And the second time I saw it I thought, "Wait, who the fuck is this guy?" Nowadays when theyrun this ad, a helpful little graphic points to Xhibit and shows his name, Xhibit. But that raises a bit of a question. Obviously Right Guard started worrying that not enough people knew Xhibit, so they needed to identify him. But if that's the case, why hire him at all? And now that you've identified him, what does that do? Do you think people out there will think, "This fella is named Xhibit. I don't know who he is or what he does, but if he likes Right Guard, so do I!" And, of course, the 15 people in America that could actually be persuaded by Xhibit to buy aerosol deodorant don't need his name tag. So really, what does this accomplish? Tell me, O mighty gods of Rigth Guard marketing!
But despite the fact that he needs a nametag, Xhibit might still be bigger than Frank from the Ball Park franks commercials. Here's what we know about the character of Frank: he's fat, he voted for Bush twice, he likes meat, his wife is mostly unsastified in bed. But here's the really interesting thing about Frank: he's played by the co-star of According to Jim. Now, usually when you have a character in a series of ads, it's played by some no name actor. But Larry Joe Campbell has maintained such anonymice by starring on an abysmal show, he can still pull off unknown actor for these commercials. And if that's not a sorta celebrity endorsement, I don't know what is.
Then again, both of these ads are better than the Kay Jewlers spot where the most Jewish-looking guy on the face of the Earth asks his girlfriend is she believe in Santa Claus, then pulls out a ringbox while smirking, "He told me to give you this." I don't know if Kay was going for meta-irony with this commercial or if they think this guy can pull off "Italian," but watching a WWII politcal cartoon character give a blond chick a Christmas gift always brightens my holidays.
Friday, November 5, 2004
The dollar bill is trying to tell me something!
It's saying, "Don't waste me and nine of my pals on another shitty Nicholas Cage movie."
Wednesday, November 3, 2004
A realization
Over the past five or six years, I had suspected that I was part of the minority in this country. Yesterday, I was slapped dead in the face with the confirmation. I am indeed part of the minority population that is rational, thinking and informed about reality. And on top of that, I'm part of the secular subset minority of that even. The rest of the country makes gut decisions early on and sticks to their guns no matter how much information or facts they're presented with. Mainly because the mostly ignore or discount those dissonant facts. You may shocked to find out that most of this latter group is religious.
So now our once sensible nation is being run by religious fundamentalists. A president who believes in creationism. Yes, he believes that God was able to create the entire universe with sheer will, but then needed a day off because he was so tuckered out. An Attorney General who believes people can speak in tongues when touched by God. A plethora of administration folks who side with Israel to facilitate the return of Jesus. People who actually believes that once Israel controls the Holy Land again, Jesus will descend from the skies and kick off the End Days. A representative from Oklahoma - Tom Coburn - who believes abortion doctors should get the death penalty. A representative from Kentucky - Jim Bunning - who has openly demonstrated signs of dementia or Alzheimer's over the past month. Of course, considering that GOP voters only watch FOX News, and Brit Hume isn't fond of pointing the shortcomings of Republican politicians, they may not be aware of these problems.
And, whether you like it or not, Bush and company did indeed receive a mandate to run the country their way yesterday. When you receive that many popular and also increase your seats in Congress, there's no other way to spin it. A majority of the country wants more religion in our lives. Then again, so does bin Laden. You say potato, I say Dark Ages nightmare.
The truth is, more than half of this country makes their decisions without any proof whatsoever, then holds firm. Of course, that might partially explain why Ben Affleck is still considered a movie star. Frankly, the only things that can possibly win their hearts and minds is actual life experience. To that end, I'm hoping that all the red staters that voted for Bush lose their jobs and their healthcare and then get sick. I hope their teenage daughters get pregnant and can't get a now-illegal abortion and they have another mouth they can't afford to feed. It'll be okay, though, because a federally-funded religious charity will give them a free turkey on Thanksgiving. I hope the self-regulating oil industry begins drilling in your backyard and pollutes your air, and I hope the coal industry blasts a mountain in your part of the state and sends millions of tons of slags into the streams that supply your drinking water. In other words, I hope you get just what you voted for.
Cynical? Dark? Sure. But I don't really give a fuck anymore. I don't have time to worry about other people. I'm too busy previewing churches in preparation for Congress' Mandatory Church Attendance Act of 2005.
So now our once sensible nation is being run by religious fundamentalists. A president who believes in creationism. Yes, he believes that God was able to create the entire universe with sheer will, but then needed a day off because he was so tuckered out. An Attorney General who believes people can speak in tongues when touched by God. A plethora of administration folks who side with Israel to facilitate the return of Jesus. People who actually believes that once Israel controls the Holy Land again, Jesus will descend from the skies and kick off the End Days. A representative from Oklahoma - Tom Coburn - who believes abortion doctors should get the death penalty. A representative from Kentucky - Jim Bunning - who has openly demonstrated signs of dementia or Alzheimer's over the past month. Of course, considering that GOP voters only watch FOX News, and Brit Hume isn't fond of pointing the shortcomings of Republican politicians, they may not be aware of these problems.
And, whether you like it or not, Bush and company did indeed receive a mandate to run the country their way yesterday. When you receive that many popular and also increase your seats in Congress, there's no other way to spin it. A majority of the country wants more religion in our lives. Then again, so does bin Laden. You say potato, I say Dark Ages nightmare.
The truth is, more than half of this country makes their decisions without any proof whatsoever, then holds firm. Of course, that might partially explain why Ben Affleck is still considered a movie star. Frankly, the only things that can possibly win their hearts and minds is actual life experience. To that end, I'm hoping that all the red staters that voted for Bush lose their jobs and their healthcare and then get sick. I hope their teenage daughters get pregnant and can't get a now-illegal abortion and they have another mouth they can't afford to feed. It'll be okay, though, because a federally-funded religious charity will give them a free turkey on Thanksgiving. I hope the self-regulating oil industry begins drilling in your backyard and pollutes your air, and I hope the coal industry blasts a mountain in your part of the state and sends millions of tons of slags into the streams that supply your drinking water. In other words, I hope you get just what you voted for.
Cynical? Dark? Sure. But I don't really give a fuck anymore. I don't have time to worry about other people. I'm too busy previewing churches in preparation for Congress' Mandatory Church Attendance Act of 2005.
But...
Now that we've all come to this realization, where does it leave us? Sure, we could make predictions like, "Certain books might be outlawed" or "America will become two entirely separate nations" or "We'll continue to lose jobs" or "I think this means Jeff Foxworthy will be popular for at least another four years." Me, I'm looking at the silver lining. And here are the few positives I think will come out of the next two GOP-dominated years. (VERY optimistically hoping for Democratic advancements in the midterm elections.)
- The DNC will be totally obliterated. Thank God Daschle lost, because he's been useless the last few years. Hopefully Terry McAuliffe will be next to go. And hopefully Bob Shrum will never work on a presidential campaign again. He hasn't won one yet, so maybe people will figure it out.
- The DNC will also realize that the GOP has been absolutely handing them their nuts since about '97. The GOP has controlled the message and tone in this country since at least the Lewinsky affair. Maybe now the DNC will finally catch on and fight back by co-opted the GOP move of extreme message discipline. GOP talking points trickle down from the White House to the TV pundits to the blogs. Pretty soon, everybody is thinking Kerry is a flip-flopper. It works EVERY time, and guys like McAuliffe and Shrum have yet to catch on. Or at least figured out how to fight back against. Joe Lockhart has it down pretty good. Put him in charge of the DNC from now on.
- The religious right will finally be exposed. This group has fought for power for 20 years now. Now that they've finally got it, maybe moderate folks will realize just what they stand for. (Hint: It's not total freedom for citizens.) Average folks are completely unaware of just how extreme their views are. If we're lucky, stem cell advancements in California will expose a lot.
- Democrats will have the courage to fight back against the religious right. Pointing out the ridiculousness of not believing in evolution, among other issues. And openly court fiscal Republicans by pointing out that Democrats are the ones who balance the budget and grow the economy.
- Liberals will finally an echo chamber to rival the right's. Blogs that can actually question the mainstream media and push uncovered stories into the forefront. A liberal answer to FOX News that actually gets off the ground and presents opposing viewpoints to what the mainstream citizens get.
- The next Democratic presidential candidate doesn't cow to GOP charge of class war and just comes right out and says, "Look, we're not overruling abortion. It's not happening. The GOP just uses that as a wedge issue to steal your votes. We're the party that is actually concerned about your welfare, not simply manipulating you."
The Democratic party is at its lowest point. Only by hitting the reset button and finally realizing what they're up against in this country can they be effective again. And if this isn't the wakeup call the DNC needs, you'd better start memorizing the Ten Commandments. Don't worry, you'll have plenty of chances to study them any time you enter a federal building.
Tuesday, November 2, 2004
For the record...
I Voted!
After voting to put Bush on ice this morning (and seeing reality TV legend Toni Ferrari at my polling place), I started thinking about how one could sum up the four years of the Bush regime. You know, if one day a grandkid or something is learning about it in history class and says, "Hey Grandpa, you were around for Bush II. Could you upload your thoughts on his presidency to my hand PC using this mindmeld firewire 3X?"
Of course, my main thought is that the Bush administration continually and consistently fucked up every single thing they touched. It was almost like watching a movie where Pauly Shore was the stepbrother of some respected scientist, and every time Pauly dropped by for a visit, he accidentally destroyed his stepbrother's lab. "Hey bro, what's in this beaker?" "Be very careful! That's ammonium..." "Paulllllyyyy!"
But I think the following two examples - one foreign, one domestic - neatly sum up just how BushCo used ideology and complete ineptness to bungle everything they tried. Let's tackle the simple one first.
THE EPA - For some reason, a few folks thought Bush would be a good steward of the land. I guess they ignored Bush's tenure as governor, when he passed scores of pro-business environmental regs and Houston blew past LA to become the most polluted city in the country. Appointing Gale Norton, a former energy industry lobbyist, to Secretary of the Interior was a terrific start for business. But it only got better. In short time, Bush appointed former energy industry executives and lobbyists to EVERY SINGLE branch of the EPA. I suppose he thinks a former timber company executive is the perfect person to head the forestry department of the EPA. Hey, who knows more about trees than a guy who chops them down for a living? Others might think, you know, a scientist would be good there, but they're crazy! These EPA appointments are a perfectly disturbing example of Bush putting his pro-business ideology (ironic enough, since he never ran a successful business) ahead of all other concerns at all times, no matter the cost.
ABU MUSAB al-ZARQAWI - If you don't know who Zarqawi is, he's the guy responsible for the terrorist insurgency and multiple beheadings in Iraq at the moment. Just a really terrific person. But hey, how is that Bush's fault? Well, in the run-up to the Iraq invasion in 2002, US intelligence was aware of a weapons lab and a terrorist training camp in northern Iraq that was being run by Zarqawi. Northern Iraq is mostly lawless and untied to Baghdad and Hussein. Of course, that didn't stop Bush, Wolfowitz, Cheney and the rest from loudly declaring that Hussein was harboring terrorists and that's part of why we needed to invade Iraq. But then the US caught what should been an intelligence break and the Pentagon drew up a plan to launch missile attacks that would destroy the weapons lab, training camp and possibly kill Zarqawi. But the White House killed it. Months later, a second strike was planned and also killed by the White House. Why would Bush and Cheney shoot down a plan that could've killed a terrorist mastermind? Because they needed the camp in place for Colin Powell's presentation to the UN. In other words, if they destroyed the camp and killed Zarqawi, they would lose a possible rationale for invading Iraq and deposing Hussein. Naturally, when the US later attacked Iraq, Zarqawi escaped, only to return later and orchestrate these insurgent attacks. He's credited as responsible for over 700 deaths at this point. And what's more, he's aligned himself with bin Laden - a former rival - in order to defeat Bush and the US! So, not only did BushCo let a terrorist run free so they could attack Iraq like they planned all along, they actually strengthened his radical association! Nice work.
And those are the two examples of ineptness that I think really perfectly sum up the disaster that was the Bush administration. I say was, because today's record vote turnout is making him a thing of the past. And thank fucking God for that.
Of course, my main thought is that the Bush administration continually and consistently fucked up every single thing they touched. It was almost like watching a movie where Pauly Shore was the stepbrother of some respected scientist, and every time Pauly dropped by for a visit, he accidentally destroyed his stepbrother's lab. "Hey bro, what's in this beaker?" "Be very careful! That's ammonium..."
But I think the following two examples - one foreign, one domestic - neatly sum up just how BushCo used ideology and complete ineptness to bungle everything they tried. Let's tackle the simple one first.
THE EPA - For some reason, a few folks thought Bush would be a good steward of the land. I guess they ignored Bush's tenure as governor, when he passed scores of pro-business environmental regs and Houston blew past LA to become the most polluted city in the country. Appointing Gale Norton, a former energy industry lobbyist, to Secretary of the Interior was a terrific start for business. But it only got better. In short time, Bush appointed former energy industry executives and lobbyists to EVERY SINGLE branch of the EPA. I suppose he thinks a former timber company executive is the perfect person to head the forestry department of the EPA. Hey, who knows more about trees than a guy who chops them down for a living? Others might think, you know, a scientist would be good there, but they're crazy! These EPA appointments are a perfectly disturbing example of Bush putting his pro-business ideology (ironic enough, since he never ran a successful business) ahead of all other concerns at all times, no matter the cost.
ABU MUSAB al-ZARQAWI - If you don't know who Zarqawi is, he's the guy responsible for the terrorist insurgency and multiple beheadings in Iraq at the moment. Just a really terrific person. But hey, how is that Bush's fault? Well, in the run-up to the Iraq invasion in 2002, US intelligence was aware of a weapons lab and a terrorist training camp in northern Iraq that was being run by Zarqawi. Northern Iraq is mostly lawless and untied to Baghdad and Hussein. Of course, that didn't stop Bush, Wolfowitz, Cheney and the rest from loudly declaring that Hussein was harboring terrorists and that's part of why we needed to invade Iraq. But then the US caught what should been an intelligence break and the Pentagon drew up a plan to launch missile attacks that would destroy the weapons lab, training camp and possibly kill Zarqawi. But the White House killed it. Months later, a second strike was planned and also killed by the White House. Why would Bush and Cheney shoot down a plan that could've killed a terrorist mastermind? Because they needed the camp in place for Colin Powell's presentation to the UN. In other words, if they destroyed the camp and killed Zarqawi, they would lose a possible rationale for invading Iraq and deposing Hussein. Naturally, when the US later attacked Iraq, Zarqawi escaped, only to return later and orchestrate these insurgent attacks. He's credited as responsible for over 700 deaths at this point. And what's more, he's aligned himself with bin Laden - a former rival - in order to defeat Bush and the US! So, not only did BushCo let a terrorist run free so they could attack Iraq like they planned all along, they actually strengthened his radical association! Nice work.
And those are the two examples of ineptness that I think really perfectly sum up the disaster that was the Bush administration. I say was, because today's record vote turnout is making him a thing of the past. And thank fucking God for that.
Monday, November 1, 2004
Vote GOD. Oh, I mean GOP.
Remember citizens, tomorrow is your chance to honor Jesus with your vote. It's more important than ever to vote because the only way we can defeat the religious terrorists is to remove the evil secular element from American society. For your information, I've assembled Jesus' position on a variety of political platforms, all taken directly from the Bible.
- Man should take full advantage of nature. This includes drilling for oil in Alaska. God the Father put the oil there for a reason. Ours is not to question why.
- Jesus loves the poor, so it's okay to cut welfare and Head Start school programs. Jesus will make it up to them in the afterlife. Besides, poor people are lazy.
- Jesus chased the moneychangers out of the temples. This is why religious organizations should remain tax-exempt.
- Even though he advocated turning the other cheek, Jesus only meant this in your interpersonal relations. He fully endorses the Bush doctrine of preemptive war. Witness Jesus' support of the Roman invasion of Carpathia in Corinthians 1.
- Jesus belives that life begins at conception. Considering that he was immaculately conceived without sex, he's an authority on this matter.
- Jesus does not support government healthcare. He feels that private enterprise and free trade can solve this problem.
As you may know, friends, George W. Bush and the Republicans are aligned with Jesus on all of these issues, so if you truly love Jesus, it's almost a sin to vote Democratic. Even if you lose your job and then can't afford private sector healthcare, Jesus will be there for you. If you get sick and die, he will be the first to welcome you into Heaven. And even better, if your teenage daughter is forced to take a part-time job at Little Caesars to aid in the family's finances and she becomes pregnant by a coworker, President Bush will assure that she can never get an abortion. Remember that Jesus will provide for your miracle baby.
Jesus Loves Me!
It seems that gullibility runs in the family. Former teen chunkthrob Candace Cameron Bure has accepted the miracle of Jesus Christ into her life. So why can't you? Hell, she was even able to get a Russian to buy into Jesus. You know how hard that is?
And I think it's safe to say that Jesus appreciates irony, because the main spot to buy Candace's KREW DVD is at overstock.com. Hard to believe Blockbuster bought too many copies of a straight to video flick about a former CIA operative (former at age 24!) who teaches kids all about safety.
"Okay, kids, remember that if a stranger offers you a candy bar if you get in his car, pull the pin out of your watch and jab it his neck. Then run away and find a helpful police officer."
And I would've paid large sums of money to overhear Candace's conversation with the Olsens at the premiere of New York Minute.
CANDACE - "Ashley, Mary Kate, I'm so glad you're here. Listen, I've seen some of the stuff they're saying about you in the papers, and I wanted to know if you'd accepted Jesus Christ into your life yet."
MARY KATE - "No, but we're"
ASHLEY - "totally thinking about it."
CANDACE - "That's awesome. I should give you this book my brother Kirk gave me and Tracey Gold. It's explains how our sins hurt Jesus, but he loves us anyway and..."
And at this point, Mary Kate starts telepathically talking to Ashley.
MK - "What the fuck is wrong with this bitch?"
ASH - "I dunno. Who cares? You have any cigarettes left?"
What's lost in all of this is what ever happened to Jodie Sweetin? I hope she's okay. And altough I semi-correctly predicted the Olsens would be hot 10 years ago, I really dropped the ball on Kimmy.
And I think it's safe to say that Jesus appreciates irony, because the main spot to buy Candace's KREW DVD is at overstock.com. Hard to believe Blockbuster bought too many copies of a straight to video flick about a former CIA operative (former at age 24!) who teaches kids all about safety.
"Okay, kids, remember that if a stranger offers you a candy bar if you get in his car, pull the pin out of your watch and jab it his neck. Then run away and find a helpful police officer."
And I would've paid large sums of money to overhear Candace's conversation with the Olsens at the premiere of New York Minute.
CANDACE - "Ashley, Mary Kate, I'm so glad you're here. Listen, I've seen some of the stuff they're saying about you in the papers, and I wanted to know if you'd accepted Jesus Christ into your life yet."
MARY KATE - "No, but we're"
ASHLEY - "totally thinking about it."
CANDACE - "That's awesome. I should give you this book my brother Kirk gave me and Tracey Gold. It's explains how our sins hurt Jesus, but he loves us anyway and..."
And at this point, Mary Kate starts telepathically talking to Ashley.
MK - "What the fuck is wrong with this bitch?"
ASH - "I dunno. Who cares? You have any cigarettes left?"
What's lost in all of this is what ever happened to Jodie Sweetin? I hope she's okay. And altough I semi-correctly predicted the Olsens would be hot 10 years ago, I really dropped the ball on Kimmy.
We're Here! We're Queer! Give us a Kit Kat!
Once again, West Hollywood held their annual Halloween street parade. Although straight people are indeed welcome to eat spicy sausage hoagies and kettle corn as the walk the streets, this day is really for the homsexuals. If you like seeing naked man ass as a costume, this is the day for you. Frankly, I don't think going as a leatherman should count as a gay man's costume. It's like somebody in Georgia going as a redneck. But in fairness, some dress up as women. And some get much more inventive than that. I'm apathy! I'm TiVo!
A great time was had by all last night, again proving my theory: Halloween is gay Christmas.
A great time was had by all last night, again proving my theory: Halloween is gay Christmas.
Vote GOD. Oh, I mean GOP.
Remember citizens, tomorrow is your chance to honor Jesus with your vote. It's more important than ever to vote because the only way we can defeat the religious terrorists is to remove the evil secular element from American society. For your information, I've assembled Jesus' position on a variety of political platforms, all taken directly from the Bible.
- Man should take full advantage of nature. This includes drilling for oil in Alaska. God the Father put the oil there for a reason. Ours is not to question why.
- Jesus loves the poor, so it's okay to cut welfare and Head Start school programs. Jesus will make it up to them in the afterlife. Besides, poor people are lazy.
- Jesus chased the moneychangers out of the temples. This is why religious organizations should remain tax-exempt.
- Even though he advocated turning the other cheek, Jesus only meant this in your interpersonal relations. He fully endorses the Bush doctrine of preemptive war. Witness Jesus' support of the Roman invasion of Carpathia in Corinthians 1.
- Jesus belives that life begins at conception. Considering that he was immaculately conceived without sex, he's an authority on this matter.
- Jesus does not support government healthcare. He feels that private enterprise and free trade can solve this problem.
As you may know, friends, George W. Bush and the Republicans are aligned with Jesus on all of these issues, so if you truly love Jesus, it's almost a sin to vote Democratic. Even if you lose your job and then can't afford private sector healthcare, Jesus will be there for you. If you get sick and die, he will be the first to welcome you into Heaven. And even better, if your teenage daughter is forced to take a part-time job at Little Caesars to aid in the family's finances and she becomes pregnant by a coworker, President Bush will assure that she can never get an abortion. Remember that Jesus will provide for your miracle baby.
Wait around! STAT!
We took a fun little unplanned trip to the emergency room Sunday around 2:30am. The wife is having some side effects from her migraine medicine. While I was sitting around for hours, between arriving and leaving at 8:00am, I made the following observations:
- Cedars Sinai sure has a lot of benefactors. While sitting in the Ruth and Harry Roman Emergency Department, I saw signs for the Marcia Israel Trauma Center, the S. Mark Taper Foundation Pediatric Care Center and Anita and Robert Silverstein Reception Center. This is like the NASCAR of hospitals. Naturally, when roaming the halls later, I noticed that every single room is sponsored as well. The Judy and Ron Hammerstein Room 12 Room. Shouldn't the state of California be paying for all of this?
- When you're sitting in the emergency room at 3am the night before Halloween, every time the front doors open, you're thinking, "Oh no. I don't want to see what this is."
- Two guys and a girl just walked in. The girl has a dog bite on her lip. I don't think this was part of her costume. One of the guys is wearing an orange LA County Jail jumpsuit. This may cause some confusion later.
- The magazine selection here is stellar, assuming you were marooned on a desert island for a year before visiting. "Oh good! The March issues of ESPN: The Magazine. Now I can see how the NCAA tourney turned out."
- The old guy in the corner is either in the mob or the record industry. Possibly both. He's now regaling a 20-something guy with his stories about Frank and Dean. The younger guy wants to know if Peter Lawford was a dumbass or what. Eventually, another old guy comes out with a bandaged hand. The mob exec suggests "They get the fuck out of here and go get something to eat."
- The dog bite trio is shaping up to be fun. The guy in the jumpsuit is completely wasted and making an ass of himself. The sober friend, meanwhile, is starting to offer a suspicious amount of comfort to the drunk guy's canine-wounded girlfriend. This relationship is going to get really interesting in about three weeks.
- The dog bite girl just asked her boyfriend for some ice. When he got up to get it, he got distracted by the security guards and started chatting them up. Eventually, the girl got her own ice. The sober friend is looking better all the time.
- Drunk guy isn't too drunk to notice his friend giving a suspicious amount of comfort to his girl. He loudly asks his friend why he's got to fuck up his first good relationship.
- I had to get validated so parking would only cost $3.50. I'd really like to see the Jane and Thomas Henderson Foundation Parking Fund.
Vote GOD. Oh, I mean GOP.
Remember citizens, tomorrow is your chance to honor Jesus with your vote. It's more important than ever to vote because the only way we can defeat the religious terrorists is to remove the evil secular element from American society. For your information, I've assembled Jesus' position on a variety of political platforms, all taken directly from the Bible.
- Man should take full advantage of nature. This includes drilling for oil in Alaska. God the Father put the oil there for a reason. Ours is not to question why.
- Jesus loves the poor, so it's okay to cut welfare and Head Start school programs. Jesus will make it up to them in the afterlife. Besides, poor people are lazy.
- Jesus chased the moneychangers out of the temples. This is why religious organizations should remain tax-exempt.
- Even though he advocated turning the other cheek, Jesus only meant this in your interpersonal relations. He fully endorses the Bush doctrine of preemptive war. Witness Jesus' support of the Roman invasion of Carpathia in Corinthians 1.
- Jesus belives that life begins at conception. Considering that he was immaculately conceived without sex, he's an authority on this matter.
- Jesus does not support government healthcare. He feels that private enterprise and free trade can solve this problem.
As you may know, friends, George W. Bush and the Republicans are aligned with Jesus on all of these issues, so if you truly love Jesus, it's almost a sin to vote Democratic. Even if you lose your job and then can't afford private sector healthcare, Jesus will be there for you. If you get sick and die, he will be the first to welcome you into Heaven. And even better, if your teenage daughter is forced to take a part-time job at Little Caesars to aid in the family's finances and she becomes pregnant by a coworker, President Bush will assure that she can never get an abortion. Remember that Jesus will provide for your miracle baby.
Friday, October 29, 2004
Reality vs. Bush (Round 1)
Confused by all of this talk about missing explosives in Iraq? Hey, who can blame you? All of those acronyms - HMX, IAEA, IED, UN, USA, DMX - can get mixed up and Iraq is just so far away. You know it's next to Iran, but that's about it.
So here's a handy chart comparing each facet of this story, the reality-based version and the version that exists only inside the Bush White House. (By the way, I'm doing this all of the top of my head, so if I mix up HMX and REX, save your corrections for talk radio.)
ITEM: 380 tons of highly explosive materiel has been stolen from a cache in Iraq. Expert say 1 pound of this stuff is enough to bring down a jet. 380 tons is 760,000 pounds. That's...well, you get the idea.
REALITY: Before Hussein was dropped, the IAEA had secured this materiel as part of the sanctioned inspections. Some would say this alone is proof that sanctions were working. It is now missing and likely in the hands of terrorists.
BUSH: This proves that Hussein wanted to arm terrorists.
ITEM: After Iraq was overtaken by US forces, our soldiers simply didn't have the manpower to inspect each and every one of these numerous weapons caches in Iraq. Furthermore, it wasn't part of their orders.
REALITY: Many experts - including Gen. Eric Shinseki - said that 300,000-400,000 troops would be needed to secure the peace in Iraq following the war.
BUSH: Deputy Secretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz declared Shinseki's prediction "wildly off the mark." Donald Rumseld continues to believe a lighter fighting force is best. Bush and associates thought we'd be greeted with candy and flowers, making the securing of sensitive sites unnessary.
ITEM: HMX and some of the other materiel are nearly perfect for constructing a small nuclear bomb. Not only are they pliable, they're strong and sturdy, meaning that they won't detonate if accidentally dropped. Additionally, they don't show up on X-rays or luggage scans.
REALITY: Only a small amount of HMX is required to detonate a small nuke.
BUSH: Although just a week earlier Dick Cheney was reminding us all that terrorists would LOVE to set off a nuke in an American city, this week Cheney is helpfully pointing out that hey, we've secured 400,000 tons of explosives in Iraq besides this, and that's pretty good!
ITEM: Kerry is using the missing explosives as yet another example of the Bush's administration misplanning, poor execution and general lack of thought.
REALITY: This materiel was secure thanks to UN inspections. The US invaded. Now it's missing.
BUSH: Sort of a two-parter here. 1) Kerry shouldn't be denigrating the troops by mentioning this stuff! - G.W. Bush 2) You can't blame Bush for this. Really, it's the troops' fault for not inspecting the places closely enough. - GOP shill Rudy Guiliani. (Expect that to be his last public appearance pre-11/2.)
ITEM: Poor planning and a basic lack of understanding of the realities on the ground created this situation.
REALITY: Yes.
BUSH: After an NBC News report said maybe the explosives were missing before the US invasion (probably not the case, though), Bush said that somebody who jumps to conclusions without knowing the facts isn't fit to be Commander in Chief. No, seriously, he actually said it. Maybe he gets different reports on Iraq than we do. Because, you know, we read the news occasionally.
So there you go. The facts vs. Bush. You decide!
So here's a handy chart comparing each facet of this story, the reality-based version and the version that exists only inside the Bush White House. (By the way, I'm doing this all of the top of my head, so if I mix up HMX and REX, save your corrections for talk radio.)
ITEM: 380 tons of highly explosive materiel has been stolen from a cache in Iraq. Expert say 1 pound of this stuff is enough to bring down a jet. 380 tons is 760,000 pounds. That's...well, you get the idea.
REALITY: Before Hussein was dropped, the IAEA had secured this materiel as part of the sanctioned inspections. Some would say this alone is proof that sanctions were working. It is now missing and likely in the hands of terrorists.
BUSH: This proves that Hussein wanted to arm terrorists.
ITEM: After Iraq was overtaken by US forces, our soldiers simply didn't have the manpower to inspect each and every one of these numerous weapons caches in Iraq. Furthermore, it wasn't part of their orders.
REALITY: Many experts - including Gen. Eric Shinseki - said that 300,000-400,000 troops would be needed to secure the peace in Iraq following the war.
BUSH: Deputy Secretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz declared Shinseki's prediction "wildly off the mark." Donald Rumseld continues to believe a lighter fighting force is best. Bush and associates thought we'd be greeted with candy and flowers, making the securing of sensitive sites unnessary.
ITEM: HMX and some of the other materiel are nearly perfect for constructing a small nuclear bomb. Not only are they pliable, they're strong and sturdy, meaning that they won't detonate if accidentally dropped. Additionally, they don't show up on X-rays or luggage scans.
REALITY: Only a small amount of HMX is required to detonate a small nuke.
BUSH: Although just a week earlier Dick Cheney was reminding us all that terrorists would LOVE to set off a nuke in an American city, this week Cheney is helpfully pointing out that hey, we've secured 400,000 tons of explosives in Iraq besides this, and that's pretty good!
ITEM: Kerry is using the missing explosives as yet another example of the Bush's administration misplanning, poor execution and general lack of thought.
REALITY: This materiel was secure thanks to UN inspections. The US invaded. Now it's missing.
BUSH: Sort of a two-parter here. 1) Kerry shouldn't be denigrating the troops by mentioning this stuff! - G.W. Bush 2) You can't blame Bush for this. Really, it's the troops' fault for not inspecting the places closely enough. - GOP shill Rudy Guiliani. (Expect that to be his last public appearance pre-11/2.)
ITEM: Poor planning and a basic lack of understanding of the realities on the ground created this situation.
REALITY: Yes.
BUSH: After an NBC News report said maybe the explosives were missing before the US invasion (probably not the case, though), Bush said that somebody who jumps to conclusions without knowing the facts isn't fit to be Commander in Chief. No, seriously, he actually said it. Maybe he gets different reports on Iraq than we do. Because, you know, we read the news occasionally.
So there you go. The facts vs. Bush. You decide!
Punny!
Hayley has shared a little election-related humor with me this week.
"Did you know that November 2 is also National Abstinence Day? Yeah, no Bush and no Dick!"
"Did you hear that Monica Lewinsky is voting for Bush this year? Apparently, the Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth."
ZING!
Hayley Schore, ladies and gentlemen!
Ugh.
"Did you know that November 2 is also National Abstinence Day? Yeah, no Bush and no Dick!"
"Did you hear that Monica Lewinsky is voting for Bush this year? Apparently, the Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth."
ZING!
Hayley Schore, ladies and gentlemen!
Ugh.
Tuesday, October 26, 2004
Tough choice
I can't decide whether I would rather watch Christmas With The Krunks or get hit square in the nuts with a hot cast iron skillet.
Maybe if I didn't have to pay to see it.
Although you have to admire Tim Allen's ability to turn a mediocre, 5 minute stand up bit into a really shitty 20 year career. Better than slingin' dem rocks, biyatch!
Maybe if I didn't have to pay to see it.
Although you have to admire Tim Allen's ability to turn a mediocre, 5 minute stand up bit into a really shitty 20 year career. Better than slingin' dem rocks, biyatch!
Friday, October 22, 2004
Holy hell!
I can't decide which is more ridiculous. Athlete wives that do nothing except have fancy lunches, or athlete wives that use their husband's bankrolls to finance an acting career/designing career/cookie baking company.
But I know for a fact that the most ridiculous thing an athlete's wife has ever done is parlaying a quote from Abraham Lincoln into a pitch for ugly denim jackets.
"You are as happy as you decide to be." - Abraham Lincoln
"I have to decided to be happy! As a matter of fact I've gone Jacket Happy!" - Debbie Clemens
By the way, while we're comparing philosophers, Lincoln can claim the Gettysburg Address, the Emancipation Proclamation, the Lincoln-Douglas debates and holding together a fractured young nation. On the other hand, Debbie Clemens glued rhinestones onto an Astros hat. So let's call it a draw for now. And frankly, her triple jumping for joy does in fact indicate that she is quite Jacket Happy.
Now, perhaps you're of a school that thinks affixing patches and other shit to denim jackets and baseball hats takes creativity and a terrific design eye. If so, you probably live in Texas. Or else you're actually Debbie Clemens.
I really wish Houston could've made it to the World Series this year, if only so some sportswriter could've exposed debbieclemens.com as one of our nation's true treasures. Not just for the jackets, but for the sensible life advice. For instance, did you know you can eat whatever you want as long as you work out? I had no idea! At least, not until Debbie told me! And it's a good plan to stick to, just in case Sports Illustrated ever wants you for a photo shoot with your jock husband. Empower yourselves, ladies!
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to start maximizing my life by hot glue gunning glitter to hockey pucks.
But I know for a fact that the most ridiculous thing an athlete's wife has ever done is parlaying a quote from Abraham Lincoln into a pitch for ugly denim jackets.
"You are as happy as you decide to be." - Abraham Lincoln
"I have to decided to be happy! As a matter of fact I've gone Jacket Happy!" - Debbie Clemens
By the way, while we're comparing philosophers, Lincoln can claim the Gettysburg Address, the Emancipation Proclamation, the Lincoln-Douglas debates and holding together a fractured young nation. On the other hand, Debbie Clemens glued rhinestones onto an Astros hat. So let's call it a draw for now. And frankly, her triple jumping for joy does in fact indicate that she is quite Jacket Happy.
Now, perhaps you're of a school that thinks affixing patches and other shit to denim jackets and baseball hats takes creativity and a terrific design eye. If so, you probably live in Texas. Or else you're actually Debbie Clemens.
I really wish Houston could've made it to the World Series this year, if only so some sportswriter could've exposed debbieclemens.com as one of our nation's true treasures. Not just for the jackets, but for the sensible life advice. For instance, did you know you can eat whatever you want as long as you work out? I had no idea! At least, not until Debbie told me! And it's a good plan to stick to, just in case Sports Illustrated ever wants you for a photo shoot with your jock husband. Empower yourselves, ladies!
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to start maximizing my life by hot glue gunning glitter to hockey pucks.
Voat Bush!
Throughout most of the spring and summer, I walked around thinking, "Man, Bush supporters are really, really dumb. I mean, why don't they understand all of the things that he's done wrong in his tenure? It's so completely obvious." But then I sort of corrected my tack, not wanting to become a shrill Berkeley type, making equally ridiculous statement about Bush and his faults.
Trying to be a good, sensible person given to intelligent thought, I said, "Well, I certainly disagree with them, but it's much too simple to just assume they're dumb. They must have good reasons for supporting Bush's re-election."
But no, they're dumb. As that independent study shows, the clear majority of Bush voters are completely misinformed on current issues, both foreign and domestic. Whether it's still believing that Iraq had WMD despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, or thinking Bush is popular throughout the world when he actually runs behind Bin Laden in many popularity polls, Bush supporters are basically wrong about all of the issues we face today. Hell, a majority actually believe Bush wants to sign the Kyoto treaty! First off, I can't believe people who think that even know what the Kyoto treaty is. Second off, I have no idea what they think is holding Bush back from signing it. Maybe they feel al Qaeda supports it as well and Bush is standing up to them. You know how terrorists hate climate change.
Of course, since true Bush fans would rather trust the words of a 2,000 year old book written by illiterate fisherman than actual scientific proof, I doubt this survey will have much effect. I think maybe I'll pass out stickers on November 2nd that read, "I voted for Bush! (Because I don't know any better)"
Trying to be a good, sensible person given to intelligent thought, I said, "Well, I certainly disagree with them, but it's much too simple to just assume they're dumb. They must have good reasons for supporting Bush's re-election."
But no, they're dumb. As that independent study shows, the clear majority of Bush voters are completely misinformed on current issues, both foreign and domestic. Whether it's still believing that Iraq had WMD despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, or thinking Bush is popular throughout the world when he actually runs behind Bin Laden in many popularity polls, Bush supporters are basically wrong about all of the issues we face today. Hell, a majority actually believe Bush wants to sign the Kyoto treaty! First off, I can't believe people who think that even know what the Kyoto treaty is. Second off, I have no idea what they think is holding Bush back from signing it. Maybe they feel al Qaeda supports it as well and Bush is standing up to them. You know how terrorists hate climate change.
Of course, since true Bush fans would rather trust the words of a 2,000 year old book written by illiterate fisherman than actual scientific proof, I doubt this survey will have much effect. I think maybe I'll pass out stickers on November 2nd that read, "I voted for Bush! (Because I don't know any better)"
Thursday, October 21, 2004
Insider's perspective
I was chatting with Kyle about my newly-hatched scheme. The IM trail looks a little like this.
Krogmann04: so have you heard about my campaign to break up dave and connie?
acapriccio: yep. it's fucking gold
Krogmann04: i seriously think it might work
acapriccio: i agree
acapriccio: once that seed is planted...
Krogmann04: they both have to think they can do better.
Krogmann04: especially if i can get connie seriously considering it.
If only I put my powers to work on developing alternate fuel sources. But one thing at a time, people.
Krogmann04: so have you heard about my campaign to break up dave and connie?
acapriccio: yep. it's fucking gold
Krogmann04: i seriously think it might work
acapriccio: i agree
acapriccio: once that seed is planted...
Krogmann04: they both have to think they can do better.
Krogmann04: especially if i can get connie seriously considering it.
If only I put my powers to work on developing alternate fuel sources. But one thing at a time, people.
Progress
The following conversation took place this morning.
ME - "So did you tell Connie about my nefarious scheming? What did she think?"
DAVE - "She didn't think it was very funny."
ME - "Man, you can't date a girl with no sense of humor! You're Dave!"
DAVE - "I know. I really have some thinking to do."
It's working!
ME - "So did you tell Connie about my nefarious scheming? What did she think?"
DAVE - "She didn't think it was very funny."
ME - "Man, you can't date a girl with no sense of humor! You're Dave!"
DAVE - "I know. I really have some thinking to do."
It's working!
Wednesday, October 20, 2004
Relationship Troubles
I have taken it upon myself to decide that it's time for Dave and Connie to break up. I've only been around them once, but I've read a few blog postings and I think the time is right to shake things up. Basically, I'm just exerting a force to stop the mindless inertia of this relationship. This succinct pros and cons list only validates my claim.
PROS
PROS
- It would be hilarious
- Dave doesn't want to get married and have kids
- The world doesn't want Dave to have kids
- Dave's poor motor skills drag down Connie's dart game
- The idea of a drunken Dave angrily trying to pick bar chicks merits its own reality show
- The Buckle could finally move in. On either one of them.
- Connie would no longer have to deal with goatee burn on her thighs
- The race to see who could do better first - with proper handicapping (Connie: -6.5 months) - would be thrilling.
CONS
- TBD
Los Grande C
Rolling around the parking garage on the way to lunch, Dave observed the little bench the 4-5 valet guys get to sit on during their 8-hour subterreanean shift. Then we had the following conversation:
M - "Those poor guys are all going to have cancer someday."
D - "Nah, they'll have something even worse than cancer."
M - "Mexican cancer?"
M - "Those poor guys are all going to have cancer someday."
D - "Nah, they'll have something even worse than cancer."
M - "Mexican cancer?"
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
Wow
You really just have to admire the balls on the GOP sometimes. Sure, maybe they're getting desperate, but it's more likely that they're just completely shameless.
After a weak of Bush pounding Kerry for using "shameless scare tactics" in mentioning a possible draft and privatization of Social Security (something that Bush actually said he's for), Cheney comes out today and says it's fine to vote for Kerry...as long as you don't mind being incinerated by a nuclear bomb as you walk downtown.
Sure, Al Qaeda has no way of launching a tactical nuclear strike from a donkey, and most experts say the the biggest problem from a suitcase nuke attack is people panicking and not actual nuclear fallout, but just keep Cheney's wise words in mind when you head to polls on November 2.
If you make it there alive, that is!
After a weak of Bush pounding Kerry for using "shameless scare tactics" in mentioning a possible draft and privatization of Social Security (something that Bush actually said he's for), Cheney comes out today and says it's fine to vote for Kerry...as long as you don't mind being incinerated by a nuclear bomb as you walk downtown.
Sure, Al Qaeda has no way of launching a tactical nuclear strike from a donkey, and most experts say the the biggest problem from a suitcase nuke attack is people panicking and not actual nuclear fallout, but just keep Cheney's wise words in mind when you head to polls on November 2.
If you make it there alive, that is!
Crossing the line!
I flipped on Blue Collar Comedy TV or whatever it's called last night because I seem to be unable to resist it. Something about bad comedy just always sucks me in. So the fellers are sitting on a deck like...well, like a bunch of rednecks sitting on a deck drinking beer. Then they start talking about decks.
"I tell you what, Bill, you sure got a nice deck here."
"Yeah, it's a real strong deck. Solid."
"Yup. My wife hates my little deck. Hates to look at it."
"So you're saying you got a tiny deck?"
And at this point, the audience is absolutely dying with laughter. Like this is the greatest thing they've ever heard. I'm just sitting there, baffled.
"You got some discoloration on your deck?"
"Yeah, on the underside."
Then they start talking to their black friend. Which, you know, most rednecks have.
"Hey, is it true that you guys have really big decks?"
Then they start talking about hot dogs, and you can all see where that's going. And if not, just remember that hot dogs are sometimes called weiners.
The audience is still cracking up. And I still don't get it. I mean, what's so funny about decks? Oh. Wait. "Decks" sounds like "dicks"! So every one of those jokes was a double entendre! Like it's four guys complimenting each other on their dicks! Genius!
I just got that.
"I tell you what, Bill, you sure got a nice deck here."
"Yeah, it's a real strong deck. Solid."
"Yup. My wife hates my little deck. Hates to look at it."
"So you're saying you got a tiny deck?"
And at this point, the audience is absolutely dying with laughter. Like this is the greatest thing they've ever heard. I'm just sitting there, baffled.
"You got some discoloration on your deck?"
"Yeah, on the underside."
Then they start talking to their black friend. Which, you know, most rednecks have.
"Hey, is it true that you guys have really big decks?"
Then they start talking about hot dogs, and you can all see where that's going. And if not, just remember that hot dogs are sometimes called weiners.
The audience is still cracking up. And I still don't get it. I mean, what's so funny about decks? Oh. Wait. "Decks" sounds like "dicks"! So every one of those jokes was a double entendre! Like it's four guys complimenting each other on their dicks! Genius!
I just got that.
Friday, October 15, 2004
Perfect timing
While shopping for various items last night, I saw this month's Reader's Digest in the checkout line. And what's in the top left corner? A little photo of Christopher Reeve. Oh, they must have put out a quick tribute, I thought. Nope.
Turns out, they ran a feature on Christopher Reeve this month about what a brave, courageous hero he is for...uh...I guess not killing himself after he fell off a horse. And how amazing he's been in the last 10 years since the accident. The title of the article? "Going the Distance." Ouch. Meta-irony can be painful at times.
Turns out, they ran a feature on Christopher Reeve this month about what a brave, courageous hero he is for...uh...I guess not killing himself after he fell off a horse. And how amazing he's been in the last 10 years since the accident. The title of the article? "Going the Distance." Ouch. Meta-irony can be painful at times.
Wednesday, October 13, 2004
Tuesday, October 12, 2004
Boycott everything!
Driving to work today, I saw a van sporting a Bush/Cheney '04 bumper sticker and a Boycott France bumper sticker.
Now, I know how GOP voters will parrot party line in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, or despite how little sense the party line actually makes. The GOP releases a talking point, and pretty soon every righty is passionately arguing for it, no matter what it is. In fact, it reminds me of Triumph of the Will a little bit.
But maybe it's time for them to back off this whole Boycott France thing. Considering that, oh, you know, the Duelfer report basically proved France's contention that Iraq didn't have any WMD. And that, you know, France was dead on about Iraq and Bush was completely wrong about it. You know, maybe considering those facts righties should start guzzling Chateau Neuf de Pape with abandon.
Now, I know how GOP voters will parrot party line in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, or despite how little sense the party line actually makes. The GOP releases a talking point, and pretty soon every righty is passionately arguing for it, no matter what it is. In fact, it reminds me of Triumph of the Will a little bit.
But maybe it's time for them to back off this whole Boycott France thing. Considering that, oh, you know, the Duelfer report basically proved France's contention that Iraq didn't have any WMD. And that, you know, France was dead on about Iraq and Bush was completely wrong about it. You know, maybe considering those facts righties should start guzzling Chateau Neuf de Pape with abandon.
Monday, October 11, 2004
Umm...thumbs...sideways?
Being a bit of a history buff, particularly l'histoire World War II, I Netflixed Triumph of the Will to see what it was all about. Well, it was basically two hours of soaring imagery and Hitler and friends screaming about how strong Germany will be, and how important it is to fall into complete conformity to the wishes of the state.
The messages were all pretty ridiculous, but then again, I haven't spent the last 20 years of my life living in humiliating poverty and national impotence thanks to the Treaty of Versailles. So I'm not really looking for a guy to yell at me about creating a powerful Germany once again.
But the real question I'm struggling with right now is, what the hell kind of star rating do I give this documentary when Netflix gets it back? It's not poorly made, so 1 star is kinda harsh. Although I can't give it 5 stars just because of soaring imagery. That'd be like giving Independence Day 5 stars, Plus, I don't want the FBI showing up to my place. "So, you like the Nazzies, do ya? Why don't you come talk to us about your movie choices?"
I have The Original Kings of Comedy coming next. I think I'll give that same rating I give Triumph just to keep people off my back.
The messages were all pretty ridiculous, but then again, I haven't spent the last 20 years of my life living in humiliating poverty and national impotence thanks to the Treaty of Versailles. So I'm not really looking for a guy to yell at me about creating a powerful Germany once again.
But the real question I'm struggling with right now is, what the hell kind of star rating do I give this documentary when Netflix gets it back? It's not poorly made, so 1 star is kinda harsh. Although I can't give it 5 stars just because of soaring imagery. That'd be like giving Independence Day 5 stars, Plus, I don't want the FBI showing up to my place. "So, you like the Nazzies, do ya? Why don't you come talk to us about your movie choices?"
I have The Original Kings of Comedy coming next. I think I'll give that same rating I give Triumph just to keep people off my back.
Sunday, October 10, 2004
My personal thanks
I'd like to offer my thanks to the millions and millions and millions of people who DID NOT go see Raise Your Voice this weekend. After watching this shitfest limp to a $4.6 million opening weekend, perhaps we're on our way to finally eliminating the bubbly scourge that is Hilary Duff.
Perhaps now movie execs will finally realize that casting a girl who can't sing and can't act in a movie about a girl who wants to be a singer isn't a recipe for success. But, you know, maybe they should try it once more with Ashlee Simpson just to make sure. Because maybe that movie would've worked with an ugly chick in it.
Perhaps now movie execs will finally realize that casting a girl who can't sing and can't act in a movie about a girl who wants to be a singer isn't a recipe for success. But, you know, maybe they should try it once more with Ashlee Simpson just to make sure. Because maybe that movie would've worked with an ugly chick in it.
Waaaaait. Whaaaaaaat?
It seems that three dudes that went to high school with Richard Linklater are now suing him for basing some characters in Dazed and Confused on them.
That's all well and good, of course, and I would definitely sue if I ever saw Ben Affleck representing me on screen, but this movie came out in 1993! I can only imagine omebody approaching the real life Wooderson at least once a week and saying, "Man, I keep getting older and they stay the same age!" And he would just look up from a haze of weed smoke and laugh and say "What?"
Finally, I guess after the 5,000th party where Wooderson sat on a couch and somebody joyously said, "Hey, watch the leather, man. Hooo!" Wood popped in the VHS and had an epiphany. "Hey, that's me, mannnnn! Awww, this suuuuuucks. This is what people think of me? Harsh."
That's all well and good, of course, and I would definitely sue if I ever saw Ben Affleck representing me on screen, but this movie came out in 1993! I can only imagine omebody approaching the real life Wooderson at least once a week and saying, "Man, I keep getting older and they stay the same age!" And he would just look up from a haze of weed smoke and laugh and say "What?"
Finally, I guess after the 5,000th party where Wooderson sat on a couch and somebody joyously said, "Hey, watch the leather, man. Hooo!" Wood popped in the VHS and had an epiphany. "Hey, that's me, mannnnn! Awww, this suuuuuucks. This is what people think of me? Harsh."
Friday, October 8, 2004
Off-roading to hell
This morning on the way to work, I pulled up behind a big, black H2 at a light. (The visual hilarity of my Mini Cooper S idling behind and sorta under an H2 is for another day.)
So this giant compensator is tricked out with chrome brake light panels and two 4-inch wide chrome exhaust pipes. I imagine if this guy nailed the pedal, I would've been shrouded in a smokescreen. But the most amazing accessory he had was hanging from his rearview. A blue HANDICAP PARKING PLACARD!
Forget the question of how somebody who needs handicapped parking even climbs into an H2, I want to know when having a small cock became a certified handicap. I hope this guy falls out of his H2 one night after driving home wasted and actually become paralyzed.
So this giant compensator is tricked out with chrome brake light panels and two 4-inch wide chrome exhaust pipes. I imagine if this guy nailed the pedal, I would've been shrouded in a smokescreen. But the most amazing accessory he had was hanging from his rearview. A blue HANDICAP PARKING PLACARD!
Forget the question of how somebody who needs handicapped parking even climbs into an H2, I want to know when having a small cock became a certified handicap. I hope this guy falls out of his H2 one night after driving home wasted and actually become paralyzed.
Thursday, October 7, 2004
Kravitz on Kravitz
I'm in Las Vegas last week and we decide to pop into Le Gap at Caesars because you know the Vegas Gap is a million times better than the hometown Gap. Totally! Anyway, as I'm shopping for plain, sensible clothing, I hear the opening riff to "Do You Wanna Go My Way?" A fine song, and one I enjoyed when it first came out. Then Lenny went pop, man!
Anyway, the riff blasts and I'm getting ready to sing along when the tune suddenly shifts gears into Lenny's new song, "Lady." And the Gap TVs start running that ad with Sarah Jessica Seabiscuit dancing around. Dancing, incidentally, that makes Madonna look coordinated.
The song played ten more times before I left the store, with the same riff starting off "Lady" each time, so it was no fluke. So, apparently, Lenny Kravitz is so creatively tapped after five years he's resorted to sampling himself. Or maybe this is a new branding strategy for inoffensive, corporate rock. Just put that opening riff on every new song so people immediately know it's a Lenny.
Anyway, the riff blasts and I'm getting ready to sing along when the tune suddenly shifts gears into Lenny's new song, "Lady." And the Gap TVs start running that ad with Sarah Jessica Seabiscuit dancing around. Dancing, incidentally, that makes Madonna look coordinated.
The song played ten more times before I left the store, with the same riff starting off "Lady" each time, so it was no fluke. So, apparently, Lenny Kravitz is so creatively tapped after five years he's resorted to sampling himself. Or maybe this is a new branding strategy for inoffensive, corporate rock. Just put that opening riff on every new song so people immediately know it's a Lenny.
Wednesday, October 6, 2004
A little early maybe
British magazine (or Britrag, if you will) Empire just released a poll on the sexiest Hollywood stars of all-time. Of...all...time!!!!
So who got top billing? Marilyn Monroe? Sophia Loren? James Dean, if that's your side of the fence? How about Keira Knightley? Keira Knightley! Sure, she's hot, but she's only been in like two movies! I know most "All-time" polls tend to be skewed toward the present day, but aren't getting just a touch ahead of ourselves here? Hell, I don't even know if Keira is the hottest star right now.
Rounding out the top ten are Angelina Jolie, Orlando Bloom, Halle Berry, Johnny Depp, Marilyn Monroe, Jennifer Connolly(!!!!!!), Hugh Jackman, Scarlett Johansson and Uma Thurman. I have a feeling if this poll came out in 1988, the top 5 would've been Sheila E., Tom Cruise, the chick from The Bangles, Mark Harmon and Paula Abdul.
Fucking Brits. Why don't just they release a new poll announcing 3:42:13pm on October 6th, 2004 the Greatest Second of All Time?
So who got top billing? Marilyn Monroe? Sophia Loren? James Dean, if that's your side of the fence? How about Keira Knightley? Keira Knightley! Sure, she's hot, but she's only been in like two movies! I know most "All-time" polls tend to be skewed toward the present day, but aren't getting just a touch ahead of ourselves here? Hell, I don't even know if Keira is the hottest star right now.
Rounding out the top ten are Angelina Jolie, Orlando Bloom, Halle Berry, Johnny Depp, Marilyn Monroe, Jennifer Connolly(!!!!!!), Hugh Jackman, Scarlett Johansson and Uma Thurman. I have a feeling if this poll came out in 1988, the top 5 would've been Sheila E., Tom Cruise, the chick from The Bangles, Mark Harmon and Paula Abdul.
Fucking Brits. Why don't just they release a new poll announcing 3:42:13pm on October 6th, 2004 the Greatest Second of All Time?
Tuesday, October 5, 2004
Brand New! With Extra Cynicism!
Watching TV tonight, I saw an ad for this fall's hot new product. Babies!
Apparently, Johnson & Johnson is so desperate to sell more No More Tears shampoo and baby powder, that they're now selling reproduction like it was a new car. They trumpet the strong emotional bond between a parent and child as something that MUST be experienced then at the end, slide in, "Oh, and you'll need a buncha J&J product for that little miracle." I mean, I can't even imagine how this brand strategy came about.
"Thompson! Numbers for Q4 are down! We need to rebrand!"
"Umm...what if we encourage people to reproduce and create more consumers?"
"Wait a minute, wait a minute. What about overpopulation? Or a family who can't afford another mouth being drawn in by the ad? I mean, yeah, Coors encourages football parties to sell more beer but, you know, this seems awfully cynical to me. Pitching the good aspects of babies just to increase sales?"
"Look, do you want to move product, or do you want to fuck around?"
To hammer the cynical message home even further, the ads direct you to baby.com! They're selling human babies! They should at least counteract the message by pointing out that having 2 many baby isn't always that great.
Apparently, Johnson & Johnson is so desperate to sell more No More Tears shampoo and baby powder, that they're now selling reproduction like it was a new car. They trumpet the strong emotional bond between a parent and child as something that MUST be experienced then at the end, slide in, "Oh, and you'll need a buncha J&J product for that little miracle." I mean, I can't even imagine how this brand strategy came about.
"Thompson! Numbers for Q4 are down! We need to rebrand!"
"Umm...what if we encourage people to reproduce and create more consumers?"
"Wait a minute, wait a minute. What about overpopulation? Or a family who can't afford another mouth being drawn in by the ad? I mean, yeah, Coors encourages football parties to sell more beer but, you know, this seems awfully cynical to me. Pitching the good aspects of babies just to increase sales?"
"Look, do you want to move product, or do you want to fuck around?"
To hammer the cynical message home even further, the ads direct you to baby.com! They're selling human babies! They should at least counteract the message by pointing out that having 2 many baby isn't always that great.
Surviving Late October
Spots are now running for the Affleck/Gandolfini insta-classic, Surviving Christmas. Apparently, rich Ben Affleck wants to spend Christmas in his childhood home because...well, I don't know why. I assume he lost his way while chasing that cheddar. I further assume that he's an advertising executive, since that job title has become movie shorthand for "Rich jerk."
Now, you might be saying that this flick's biggest problem is that the best comedy they could find for the trailer consists of Affleck getting Gandolfini to wear a Santa hat against his wishes and then somebody says, "Nice hat." Personally, I think this movie's biggest problem is that it's being released on...OCTOBER 22ND! A Christmas movie coming out more than a week before Halloween!
I guess they're releasing it so early because they fear the titanic comedy power of a Tim Allen Christmas movie. Why not just release it on Memorial Day weekend and get an eight month jumpstart on the holiday season?
Now, you might be saying that this flick's biggest problem is that the best comedy they could find for the trailer consists of Affleck getting Gandolfini to wear a Santa hat against his wishes and then somebody says, "Nice hat." Personally, I think this movie's biggest problem is that it's being released on...OCTOBER 22ND! A Christmas movie coming out more than a week before Halloween!
I guess they're releasing it so early because they fear the titanic comedy power of a Tim Allen Christmas movie. Why not just release it on Memorial Day weekend and get an eight month jumpstart on the holiday season?
Monday, October 4, 2004
Really more of a letter book
I recently came across this pocket-sized book called Unforgettable: Images That Changed Our Lives. It's basically a collection of famous photographs and such throughout history. Except...it doesn't have any images in it!
Apparently, the central tenet of this book is that some images are so powerful that the mere mention of them is enough to stoke our emotions. So the book is about 100 blank white pages with little titles at the bottom. "Space Shuttle Challenger Explodes." "Marilyn Monroe Stands On Sidewalk Grate." "Mona Lisa."
"Reading" this book is like talking to a prententious art student on the subway. And it couldn't have cost more than 38 cents to create! What a beautiful scam. Come to think of it, I'm changing this blog into a discussion of famous movie scenes. Please send me $1 before you continue reading.
"Michael Corleone consolidates his power."
"Indiana Jones runs from a giant boulder."
"Luke Skywalker battles Darth Vader before the Emporer."
See? I'm a genius too!
Apparently, the central tenet of this book is that some images are so powerful that the mere mention of them is enough to stoke our emotions. So the book is about 100 blank white pages with little titles at the bottom. "Space Shuttle Challenger Explodes." "Marilyn Monroe Stands On Sidewalk Grate." "Mona Lisa."
"Reading" this book is like talking to a prententious art student on the subway. And it couldn't have cost more than 38 cents to create! What a beautiful scam. Come to think of it, I'm changing this blog into a discussion of famous movie scenes. Please send me $1 before you continue reading.
"Michael Corleone consolidates his power."
"Indiana Jones runs from a giant boulder."
"Luke Skywalker battles Darth Vader before the Emporer."
See? I'm a genius too!
Saturday, October 2, 2004
Jumping the gun
E! is showing a True Hollywood Story today on...Tara Reid! I mean, isn't this about 30 years too early? Why not wait two weeks and see if she's dead first?
What is this episode going to even cover? The time she got wasted after American Pie came out? Or the time she got drunk last night? Or maybe the time she got blitzed with Paris Hilton in Las Vegas. You really need 60 minutes to sum up her life?
What is this episode going to even cover? The time she got wasted after American Pie came out? Or the time she got drunk last night? Or maybe the time she got blitzed with Paris Hilton in Las Vegas. You really need 60 minutes to sum up her life?
Um...uh...uh oh
I'm watching the first debate and, like usual, when he has to think on his feet, Bush resembles a high school senior giving a book report on a title he hasn't read. "So...uh...you know, Great Expectations is about this guy and...um...he has these, uh, great...expectations. I really liked it." Just brutal to watch. This guy has control of the button to launch nukes!
Just imagine a scenario when Condi and Rumsfeld rush into the Oval Office and say, "Mr. President! Terrorists got two more planes and are heading toward Washington! We need your orders in the next thirty seconds! Should we shoot them down?"
"Um...well, you know, we should...I'm the leader and I'll make a decision. And...uh...you know...flip flops and...uh...let's...why don't we..."
Just imagine a scenario when Condi and Rumsfeld rush into the Oval Office and say, "Mr. President! Terrorists got two more planes and are heading toward Washington! We need your orders in the next thirty seconds! Should we shoot them down?"
"Um...well, you know, we should...I'm the leader and I'll make a decision. And...uh...you know...flip flops and...uh...let's...why don't we..."
Simply amazing.
Tuesday, September 28, 2004
Stuck in neutral
You know what joke will simply not take off no matter how many times I try it? Talking to somebody wearing one of those yellow Livestrong bracelets and saying, "So, you're against cancer? That's awesome."
Something's off
Watching TV last night, I came across one of the typical proposition ads you see leading up to an election. This ad was telling us to vote against Proposition 68 or some number, which would I believe would either allow card clubs and parlors to expand, or increase taxes on Indian casinos.
(Which brings up a whole other issue. I mean, we kick Indians off their land and 200 years later "allow" them to open casinos to make some money for themselves. We even said, "You guys have suffered enough. Don't worry about taxes. Keep most of it for yourselves." Maybe assuming they wouldn't even get the gaming palaces off the ground. Then, when we find out that Indian casinos are cash cows - shocker! - we demand taxes and fees and stuff from them. It's almost as if 18th century pioneers gave the Indians syphilitic blankets, then, when the Indians figured out some way to cure polio and scurvy with the infected blankets, the pioneers demanded the blankets back.)
Anyway, what really stuck out was after this guy told us to vote against or for whatever this was (Could that statement possibly be more American, by the way? So vague on electoral details!), he ran down a list of the proposition's endorsers.
- The Fraternal Order of Police
- American Firefighters Union
- Group For Prop 68
- Governor Schwarzeneggar
Just seeing it there in print really drives it home. Governor. Schwarzeneggar.
By the way, you know who is definitely FOR casino expansion? The Gambler.
(Which brings up a whole other issue. I mean, we kick Indians off their land and 200 years later "allow" them to open casinos to make some money for themselves. We even said, "You guys have suffered enough. Don't worry about taxes. Keep most of it for yourselves." Maybe assuming they wouldn't even get the gaming palaces off the ground. Then, when we find out that Indian casinos are cash cows - shocker! - we demand taxes and fees and stuff from them. It's almost as if 18th century pioneers gave the Indians syphilitic blankets, then, when the Indians figured out some way to cure polio and scurvy with the infected blankets, the pioneers demanded the blankets back.)
Anyway, what really stuck out was after this guy told us to vote against or for whatever this was (Could that statement possibly be more American, by the way? So vague on electoral details!), he ran down a list of the proposition's endorsers.
- The Fraternal Order of Police
- American Firefighters Union
- Group For Prop 68
- Governor Schwarzeneggar
Just seeing it there in print really drives it home. Governor. Schwarzeneggar.
By the way, you know who is definitely FOR casino expansion? The Gambler.
Monday, September 27, 2004
She's better than you!
Next time you're stuck in traffic, you'll have yet another reason to wish you were Mischa Barton. Oh sure, she's stuck in traffic too, but she can stay busy by looking at the proofs from her latest photo shoot. You see, Mischa doesn't drive herself anywhere. Too common man for her.
"There's something about not being the quintessential Hollywood person who has to drive to every meeting themselves," "The O.C." star Mischa Barton says in next month's issue of Jane magazine. "You're in your own little area more. Somebody drives me to work - either my mom or an assistant. Or my boyfriend"
I'm really hoping Mischa starts getting uppity on the O.C. set this season, and Schwartz decides to just kill her off and be done with it. She can accidentally OD on Absolut and pills, then fall into the pool. Then we can see Benny Mac cry and look stage left, which he considers to be "acting." Then he'll get in a fight at the funeral, knocking over Marissa's casket. The Cohens will think that's the final, final, final straw and send him back to Chino for a week as a punishment. Then they'll realize Chino sucks and bring him back to Newport.
"There's something about not being the quintessential Hollywood person who has to drive to every meeting themselves," "The O.C." star Mischa Barton says in next month's issue of Jane magazine. "You're in your own little area more. Somebody drives me to work - either my mom or an assistant. Or my boyfriend"
I'm really hoping Mischa starts getting uppity on the O.C. set this season, and Schwartz decides to just kill her off and be done with it. She can accidentally OD on Absolut and pills, then fall into the pool. Then we can see Benny Mac cry and look stage left, which he considers to be "acting." Then he'll get in a fight at the funeral, knocking over Marissa's casket. The Cohens will think that's the final, final, final straw and send him back to Chino for a week as a punishment. Then they'll realize Chino sucks and bring him back to Newport.
Friday, September 24, 2004
Red Wine Jeff! (It Only Takes One Glass)
After traveling on business with the Buckle and the Kinger, it came to our attention that the Kinger gets really drunk on red wine. One glass is enough for fun and two makes things really wild. So, of course, Buckle and I wrote a song about it.
There is a man, his name is King
And don't you know, merlot's his thing
It makes him feel all warm inside
One glass down and he's ready to ride
Red Wine Jeff!
He loves his spas and saunas!
Red Wine Jeff!
C'mon, you know you wanna!
If he's had one glass, he'll always go for two
Once that one's down, who knows just what he'll do
If you're young and cute, he just might share a glass
But get real drunk, cause he's gonna loosen up your ass
Red Wine Jeff!
He loves his spas and saunas!
Red Wine Jeff!
C'mon, you know you wanna!
He staggers around and says he's doing fine
Pour one more glass, he says it's mine, mine mine
He just can't hold that strong grape juice
Get some in and he has to turn it loose
Once a week, he wants a good rub down
When it comes to men he likes skin of brown
Never had a need for no underwear
Drinks red wine and just don't care
Red Wine Jeff!
He loves his spas and saunas!
Red Wine Jeff!
C'mon you know you wanna!
Red Wine Jeff!
There is a man, his name is King
And don't you know, merlot's his thing
It makes him feel all warm inside
One glass down and he's ready to ride
Red Wine Jeff!
He loves his spas and saunas!
Red Wine Jeff!
C'mon, you know you wanna!
If he's had one glass, he'll always go for two
Once that one's down, who knows just what he'll do
If you're young and cute, he just might share a glass
But get real drunk, cause he's gonna loosen up your ass
Red Wine Jeff!
He loves his spas and saunas!
Red Wine Jeff!
C'mon, you know you wanna!
He staggers around and says he's doing fine
Pour one more glass, he says it's mine, mine mine
He just can't hold that strong grape juice
Get some in and he has to turn it loose
Once a week, he wants a good rub down
When it comes to men he likes skin of brown
Never had a need for no underwear
Drinks red wine and just don't care
Red Wine Jeff!
He loves his spas and saunas!
Red Wine Jeff!
C'mon you know you wanna!
Red Wine Jeff!
C'mon
So, after Kerry criticized Iyad Allawi for giving a duplicate of President Bush's overly optimistic speech about the state of Iraq, Bush came out and retorted on Kerry's comments. Bush actually said you can't be president if you undercut an ally. Germany? France? Canada? Those ring any bells?
Then, Cheney had the gall to criticize Kerry for showing a lack of respect to Allawai, our CIA-paid puppet master in Iraq. Yes, that's the same Cheney that told Patrick Leahy to "fuck off" on the Senate floor. Yes, that's the same Cheney that says Al Qaeda wants Kerry to win. So, really, I guess he actually is an expert on what constitutes a lack of respect.
By the way, if you think it's weird that a CIA ally is being installed as the leader of Iraq, don't worry. It worked out perfectly fine when we did it with Saddam Hussein years back.
Then, Cheney had the gall to criticize Kerry for showing a lack of respect to Allawai, our CIA-paid puppet master in Iraq. Yes, that's the same Cheney that told Patrick Leahy to "fuck off" on the Senate floor. Yes, that's the same Cheney that says Al Qaeda wants Kerry to win. So, really, I guess he actually is an expert on what constitutes a lack of respect.
By the way, if you think it's weird that a CIA ally is being installed as the leader of Iraq, don't worry. It worked out perfectly fine when we did it with Saddam Hussein years back.
Thursday, September 23, 2004
Britney Federline
While the press is busy sorting out whether Britney actually married Kevin Federline or not this weekend, and why the happy couple hasn't filed a marriage license yet, they captured this insightful quote from the former backup dancer.
"No piece of paper can capture what I feel." Then after, a thoughtful pause, I'm guessing he added, "Except for a $100 bill."
"No piece of paper can capture what I feel." Then after, a thoughtful pause, I'm guessing he added, "Except for a $100 bill."
Wha?
Driving around recently, I flipped over to R&B Jamz 5000 or whatever the station is called. I was sorta half-listening to the computer-generated song when the singer started talking. And that’s when I heard this: “Girl, this is the hardest thing I ever had to do. Tell the woman I love I’m having a baby with a woman I hardly know. This ain’t about my career? This ain’t about me. This is about us.” What the heck kind of upside down love song is this? And what did his lady say when she first heard this song? “Ooh! You wrote a song for me?! That’s so sweet! Wait…what is this song about?”
I mean, write what you know, I guess, but man. I would love to meet the couple out there that hears this song on the radio and says, “This is our jam!”
I mean, write what you know, I guess, but man. I would love to meet the couple out there that hears this song on the radio and says, “This is our jam!”
Ow!
Playing rec hockey last night, I got slashed on the thumb. Hard. And it hurt. Today, the top of my thumbnail is black and blue.
I want to track down the guy that did it and say, "Look! Look at what you've done! This is going to slightly hurt all week! Shame on you!"
And then hopefully he'd say, "Aw man, I'm sorry. Let's go out for bacon double cheeseburgers, on me."
That might make me feel a little better.
I want to track down the guy that did it and say, "Look! Look at what you've done! This is going to slightly hurt all week! Shame on you!"
And then hopefully he'd say, "Aw man, I'm sorry. Let's go out for bacon double cheeseburgers, on me."
That might make me feel a little better.
Wednesday, September 22, 2004
Awesome
"Don't want a sticker, eh? Think you're too cool for 'em? Well...HOW ABOUT YOU TAKE 20 STICKERS, BITCH!"
Monday, September 20, 2004
Pretty pictures
Over at American Elf, this guy James Kolchalka illustrates this really great daily strip. It's about his life and such. Basically a visual blog. And the new strip is free, so I always check up on it.
It's not riotously funny, but it's really pleasant and optimistic and usually makes you smile. It's kinda like Ziggy for hipsters.
It's not riotously funny, but it's really pleasant and optimistic and usually makes you smile. It's kinda like Ziggy for hipsters.
Ouch
Watching MNF, I saw a promo for a new episode of Extreme Makeover. It went like this:
"We'll build a brand new home for this widower and his eight kids..."
Eight! I didn't know women could die of a loose vag.
"We'll build a brand new home for this widower and his eight kids..."
Eight! I didn't know women could die of a loose vag.
Seriously, can we just end this quality beer ad battle between Coors Light, Bud Light and Miller Lite? If you guys want to argue about which beer can get you the drunkest the cheapest, or which beer makes sorority chicks put out more, or which beer is easier to see through, or which beer leads to better high fives in a football stadium, fine. But if we're going to start argue quality and brewing methods and such, it'll get a touch ridiculous. Miller Lite tastes better than Bud Light! What? They both taste like shit! Where's the argument here?
Speaking of which, sort of, the main scoreboard at the Eagles' home stadium is buffeted by two ads. One for Levitra and one for Budweiser. God bless America.
Speaking of which, sort of, the main scoreboard at the Eagles' home stadium is buffeted by two ads. One for Levitra and one for Budweiser. God bless America.
Blue collar
Flipping around the channels tonight, I came across Blue Collar TV. At first, I thought I was dropped into a wayback machine or something. A Bush is in the White House, we have a crushing national debt, we're fighting in Iraq and Jeff Foxworthy is popular. Next thing you know, all the rap guys will be wearing sports jerseys in their videos and...oh. I might as well just buy a pair of Cross Colours jeans now and get it over with.
My favorite part of the whole show was when my wife, addled with a migraine and hopped up on medicine watched the following brief exchange:
INT. COURTHOUSE - DAY
Three brothers are on trial. A fourth brother runs into the courtroom.
Brother One: I got bad news! The cable's out!
Brother Two: The cable's out?!
Brother Three: The Talladega 500 is this weekend.
The wife, barely able to speak, said, "They're going to go to jail to watch the race." Sure enough. Maybe if she was from Tennessee, this would've been more of a cliffhanger.
By the way, if you're wondering, Blue Collar TV is like Hee Haw, but not as difficult to follow. For instance, every time one of the stars comes on stage, the audience goes "Whooooo!" like a TRL crowd. You have to love Republican base entertainment. Maybe if Bush gets four more years and Putin keeps strong arming Russia, Chevy Chase can finally get Spies Like Us 2: Glassnose off the back burner at Paramount.
My favorite part of the whole show was when my wife, addled with a migraine and hopped up on medicine watched the following brief exchange:
INT. COURTHOUSE - DAY
Three brothers are on trial. A fourth brother runs into the courtroom.
Brother One: I got bad news! The cable's out!
Brother Two: The cable's out?!
Brother Three: The Talladega 500 is this weekend.
The wife, barely able to speak, said, "They're going to go to jail to watch the race." Sure enough. Maybe if she was from Tennessee, this would've been more of a cliffhanger.
By the way, if you're wondering, Blue Collar TV is like Hee Haw, but not as difficult to follow. For instance, every time one of the stars comes on stage, the audience goes "Whooooo!" like a TRL crowd. You have to love Republican base entertainment. Maybe if Bush gets four more years and Putin keeps strong arming Russia, Chevy Chase can finally get Spies Like Us 2: Glassnose off the back burner at Paramount.
Just one
Have you EVER met anybody that has once said, "You know, I think Jim Belushi is really funny." I mean, I know somebody is out there that likes him. People are watching that show.
The same can be saidof Colin Quinn. I've never heard anybody ever say, "Man, that guy just kills me."
The same can be saidof Colin Quinn. I've never heard anybody ever say, "Man, that guy just kills me."
Precious
The following exchange really just happened. I was in the living room. The wife was in the kitchen.
The Wife: (reading newly-posted rec league hockey schedule) Which team are you?
Me: Look at the highlighted parts.
The Wife: But which team are you?
Me: The Stonecutters. Why?
The Wife: You don't have a game this week.
Me: You're not reading it right.
(pause)
The Wife: Oh. There's another side. I didn't see it.
Me: I told you to look at the highlighted part.
The Wife: I couldn't see it. The light's not on.
The Wife: (reading newly-posted rec league hockey schedule) Which team are you?
Me: Look at the highlighted parts.
The Wife: But which team are you?
Me: The Stonecutters. Why?
The Wife: You don't have a game this week.
Me: You're not reading it right.
(pause)
The Wife: Oh. There's another side. I didn't see it.
Me: I told you to look at the highlighted part.
The Wife: I couldn't see it. The light's not on.
Thursday, September 16, 2004
I can't wait to be Left Behind
Strolling through my local Bristol Farms one evening, I spied a book rack holding The Secret of Ararat, the latest book from the author of the Left Behind series. For those who don't know, this is a series of books about the end of civilization, when all Christians will be in really great shape and the rest of us are boned. The series goes into more detail than that, but basically, if you're flying across the country when the end comes, you'd better hope your pilot is a heathen, or else he'll be sucked up into heaven and nobody will be left to fly the plane. Next stop: hell.
Knowing that this series of books has sold millions and millions of copies to the superstitious and gullible, I opened up to a random page to see what the fuss was all about. Sample dialogue:
Confused friend of girl who was bad but is now earmarked for heaven: "Wait. You don't love your father?"
GWWBBINEFH: "No. I could never impress him. In college, I started experimenting with drugs. But then I realize my other father, Jesus Christ loved me. And everything was okay."
Confused friend of girl: "So you love Jesus Christ too?"
Such natural dialogue! Man, I really thought a book about people mysteriously vanishing up into heaven would've been written above a sixth grade level. Maybe God told him to keep it simple.
But you know who I bet loves this book? Kirk Cameron.
Knowing that this series of books has sold millions and millions of copies to the superstitious and gullible, I opened up to a random page to see what the fuss was all about. Sample dialogue:
Confused friend of girl who was bad but is now earmarked for heaven: "Wait. You don't love your father?"
GWWBBINEFH: "No. I could never impress him. In college, I started experimenting with drugs. But then I realize my other father, Jesus Christ loved me. And everything was okay."
Confused friend of girl: "So you love Jesus Christ too?"
Such natural dialogue! Man, I really thought a book about people mysteriously vanishing up into heaven would've been written above a sixth grade level. Maybe God told him to keep it simple.
But you know who I bet loves this book? Kirk Cameron.
Wednesday, September 15, 2004
The Franz
So I've been listening to the Franz Ferdinand disc for a few months now and I'm really digging it. I can listen to it over and over. The only thing is, the entire album sounds like a collection of gay dancehall hits.
Maybe I'm just reading too much into lyrics like, "Here's what I am, I am a man, so come and dance with me, Michael...Beautiful boys on the beautiful dance floor, Michael you're dancing like a beautiful dance whore."
Maybe I'm just reading too much into lyrics like, "Here's what I am, I am a man, so come and dance with me, Michael...Beautiful boys on the beautiful dance floor, Michael you're dancing like a beautiful dance whore."
Tuesday, September 14, 2004
I just figured it out!
Bush and his supporters slyly claim that God wants Bush to be the President during these times.
But things weren't so good in the polls. So God sends not one, not two, but three hurricanes to Florida, a key battleground state, the summer before the election, giving Bush multiple photo ops lifting bags of ice and hugging people whose trailer roof is now two miles away.
Why no earthquakes in California before the election? Because it's a Kerry state!
Man, God sure is smart.
But things weren't so good in the polls. So God sends not one, not two, but three hurricanes to Florida, a key battleground state, the summer before the election, giving Bush multiple photo ops lifting bags of ice and hugging people whose trailer roof is now two miles away.
Why no earthquakes in California before the election? Because it's a Kerry state!
Man, God sure is smart.
Duh-bya
An article in Slate yesterday discussed Bush's God fetish and weighed whether or not he really felt like he was appointed by God to be President. The story included this anecdote.
Apparently, one day Georgie and mom Barbara were sitting in church when the preacher told a story about Moses being called to service by God. It seems that Barbara thought this was a perfect opportunity to influence her do-nothing, shockingly uncurious, opporunity-blowing son. A man who was born into incredible wealth and connections, yet seemed perfectly happy to live his life doing nothing but drinking and watching sports. So mom turned to son and said, "He was talking to you." As if the preacher took requests before the sermon.
According to the article, "Stephen Mansfield, author of The Faith of George W. Bush, goes on to say: 'Not long after, Bush called James Robison (a prominent minister) and told him, 'I've heard the call. I believe God wants me to run for President.' ' "
I usually get the feeling that during his private moments, Bush hums classic rock songs to himself rather than deliberating foreign policy or great books or what Italy might be like in the fall. But even then, the fact that one line from his mother would shock him out of his stupor is still shocking. Of course, that might explain why he believed everything he was told about Iraq and Hussein. Bush's brain is like a dry erase board. You can just put whatever the hell you want on it.
By the way, for you midwestern Republicans who think Bush is just a regular old guy, let's imagine for a second you have a complete fuck up of a son. At best, if you put some inspiration in him, he can become assistant manager at Best Buy. Bush can become President without even wanting to. He's nothing like you.
Apparently, one day Georgie and mom Barbara were sitting in church when the preacher told a story about Moses being called to service by God. It seems that Barbara thought this was a perfect opportunity to influence her do-nothing, shockingly uncurious, opporunity-blowing son. A man who was born into incredible wealth and connections, yet seemed perfectly happy to live his life doing nothing but drinking and watching sports. So mom turned to son and said, "He was talking to you." As if the preacher took requests before the sermon.
According to the article, "Stephen Mansfield, author of The Faith of George W. Bush, goes on to say: 'Not long after, Bush called James Robison (a prominent minister) and told him, 'I've heard the call. I believe God wants me to run for President.' ' "
I usually get the feeling that during his private moments, Bush hums classic rock songs to himself rather than deliberating foreign policy or great books or what Italy might be like in the fall. But even then, the fact that one line from his mother would shock him out of his stupor is still shocking. Of course, that might explain why he believed everything he was told about Iraq and Hussein. Bush's brain is like a dry erase board. You can just put whatever the hell you want on it.
By the way, for you midwestern Republicans who think Bush is just a regular old guy, let's imagine for a second you have a complete fuck up of a son. At best, if you put some inspiration in him, he can become assistant manager at Best Buy. Bush can become President without even wanting to. He's nothing like you.
What's wrong with Hollywood
They just announced that the final piece of the Dukes of Hazzard puzzle has been placed. Jessica Simpson will star as Daisy, opposite a Bo and Luke of Seann William Scott and Johnny Knoxville.
So, basically, you have a girl who can't act starring opposite one guy nobody likes and another guy that got his start punching himself in the nuts. This all in a project that nobody was really clamoring for.
But Starsky and Hutch was a hit! And people like to laugh at Jessica Simpson! Right, because she's an idiot, not because she has impeccable comic timing.
That, friends, is what is wrong with Hollywood.
So, basically, you have a girl who can't act starring opposite one guy nobody likes and another guy that got his start punching himself in the nuts. This all in a project that nobody was really clamoring for.
But Starsky and Hutch was a hit! And people like to laugh at Jessica Simpson! Right, because she's an idiot, not because she has impeccable comic timing.
That, friends, is what is wrong with Hollywood.
Monday, September 13, 2004
Dear Lord...(Part II)
After catching three touchdowns yesterday, Terrell Owens told an interview he was thankful God put him in a such a beautiful situation in Philadelphia.
So...I guess the moral is is that if you complain about not getting the ball enough, God will reward you.
Also, this may explain Kurt Warner's sudden downfall into terribleness. Apparently, God can only help out one NFL player at a time, so Kurt, you're on your own again.
So...I guess the moral is is that if you complain about not getting the ball enough, God will reward you.
Also, this may explain Kurt Warner's sudden downfall into terribleness. Apparently, God can only help out one NFL player at a time, so Kurt, you're on your own again.
Dear Lord... (Part I)
Yesterday, President Bush and some other wise folks advised the people of Florida to start praying that their homes will withstand Hurricane Ivan. Not to get too meta here, but...they're supposed to pray to God to send the hurriance (that he created, we can only assume) to smash somebody else's house, preferably one in Lousiana? I think I get religion now!
Interestingly, this is the same way people prepared for hurricanes 200 years ago. We've come a long way, baby.
Interestingly, this is the same way people prepared for hurricanes 200 years ago. We've come a long way, baby.
Vegas is...
Observations and other observances from a short weekend in Vegas...
- I want to the meet the person who is blown away by impressionists. I saw one ad for a group named The Scintas, and judging from the photos, they sing songs and act incredibly wacky. Also, one of them, maybe Tito, does a George Burns impersonation. George Burns! He's been dead for 10 years! Why not just do FDR while you're at it? And is an Elvis impersonation really an accomplishment any more? People don't even want to see the real Joan Rivers. Why would anybody pay to see somebody sort of act and look like her?
- On that same note, if you went to see Danny Gans, and then proceeded to describe him as "really talented", you are an idiot.
- I love watching chicks visit Vegas and break out that really short skirt and tight top they can't wear to the office happy hour Friday evenings. "Finally, I can look like I really want to fuck without people judging me!"
- The other best thing is seeing the pack of seven dudes walking around like they are having the single most awesome/intense/amazing/cool Vegas weekend in recorded history. "This place was nothing before we got here!"
- I want to the meet the person who is blown away by impressionists. I saw one ad for a group named The Scintas, and judging from the photos, they sing songs and act incredibly wacky. Also, one of them, maybe Tito, does a George Burns impersonation. George Burns! He's been dead for 10 years! Why not just do FDR while you're at it? And is an Elvis impersonation really an accomplishment any more? People don't even want to see the real Joan Rivers. Why would anybody pay to see somebody sort of act and look like her?
- On that same note, if you went to see Danny Gans, and then proceeded to describe him as "really talented", you are an idiot.
- I love watching chicks visit Vegas and break out that really short skirt and tight top they can't wear to the office happy hour Friday evenings. "Finally, I can look like I really want to fuck without people judging me!"
- The other best thing is seeing the pack of seven dudes walking around like they are having the single most awesome/intense/amazing/cool Vegas weekend in recorded history. "This place was nothing before we got here!"
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